Building and building... and building

Well, I think that dead spot has been awakened. We were observing each other today and then shared our findings after lunch. I was given some very helpful pointers from my classmates and from Robin. That "dead spot" is just totally collapsed so I don't have space to feel anything--front and back. It's just behind the solarplexus that I get those sharp stabbing pains when I try to "sit up straight." No wonder! I've been either totally slouching and compressing the front or collapsing into my swayback, and it's everywhere! The big awakening was in Virabhadrasana I. Robin tied my scarf around my waist and told me to lengthen that area on both the front and the back. It's not a back and forth motion, it's a lifting motion.

It's exhausting. This is the point where I need to make a commitment, where it gets hard. I can't just shy away from what I need to do.

Speaking of buckling down and putting my nose to the grindstone, I have a ton of homework to do over the next three weeks! I have to read two chapters in both Anatomy Trains and Anatomy of Hatha Yoga, and then I can start my Anatomy Coloring Book. That's just my anatomy work! I have to keep reading Yoga for Transformation and Bringing Yoga to Life, create three sequences for myself (Deep Front Line & Arm Lines, preparing the body for Urdhva Dhanurasana, and a practice to get myself to the point that I can do 20 good marches in bridge pose) as well as a sequence for Danae. Last but not least, we're expected to get very serious about observation and eventually assisting. I'm also supposed to be ready to sub soon! Things are getting pretty serious here, and I have to step up to the challenge.

I think that's right knowledge. How do I know? I don't think you can ever truly "know." That's the beauty of having an open point of view. You can try your best to follow what you think is right, but you have to be ready to take in new information with an open and balanced point of view at any given time. I was thinking before that right knowledge came from physically knowing something (like through direct experience), but I have learned that even all experiences are not totally reliable. You can only act on the information you have at the time using the tools that are accessible to you. As long as you keep an open mind and don't constrict yourself from hearing other viewpoints, you are open to realizing that your beliefs are incorrect knowledge.

How do you come to this realization without knowing what correct knowledge is, though?

Oh boy, this one is going to take some marinating. Right know, I know that I don't know. Maybe that is the key. When you know you don't know, you'll know when you know.

(Brilliant.)

omfg i love chocolate

Today was one of those days that left me wondering what I was supposed to learn from it. We did a practice that explored the deep front line and the arm line and it opened something up in my solarplexus that I am busy filling with chocolate while I am numbing my brain with television. That I do know. It's interesting how you can know something but not do anything about it. Is that vipariyaya instead?

I can't identify what kind of vrttis I am operating under when I am feeling like I did at the end of class today. I don't know where it comes from and...

I'm zoned out. Maybe tomorrow.

Practice.

Robin gave us an interesting exercise to take home today. We are supposed to identify which of the five types of vrttis (correct knowledge, incorrect knowledge, conceptualization, sleep, memory) we are displaying at various points during the day. During class, I was playing around with this idea. When I was asked to teach in front of three of my peers, I was able to use this tool to step back and look at what I was feeling instead of just feeling it. I was conceptualizing about the experience I was about to have because of my perceived incorrect knowledge. That's a pattern that is not exclusive to teaching in front of my peers. I lose out on many experiences because I'm too nervous or scared to deal with them.

I'm missing out! The experience I had teaching today was actually really educational. I got a lot more out of it than if I was listening to Robin tell us how to teach. That is because the best way of attaining correct knowlege is through direct experience. Today's direct experience taught me a few things that I need to work on with my teaching:

I have to hone in on my languaging, particularly regarding parts of my own body that I tend to ignore.
My verbs need nouns. Stretch... what? Your arms.
Stabilize the low back with the exhale.
Know your practice and do your practice.

The practice I taught today started with chakravkasana, moved onto a kneeling lunge--first just breathing arms up and down, then drawing the back foot up towards the the low back to provide a fuller superficial front line stretch--then had then come up into warrior I with arms extended upwards. The focus of the practice was dancer's pose, which we held for four breaths on each side. Then came uttansansa, which was an excellent counterpose, then apanasana. My students loved the sequence, it was just that I forgot to tell them to stabilize their low backs and didn't exactly talk them through the experience in a descriptive fashion. All in all though, it was a good experience and I did a decent job teaching them. The downfalls of my style were certainly drawbacks, but it seemed like everyone had a good experience. The sequence helped a lot with that. It was a very safe way to approach the pose so even though Ellen hung in her low back, she was able to stretch it out before svasana and therefore avoided any discomfort.

So all in all, it was a good day. Right now I feel fulfilled because I am coming closer to having correct knowledge about teaching. I don't think I've felt this able to have the answers in a long time.

Numbed out.

I set out to write this entry about breathing through a difficult feeling, using the breath as a metronome to keep space in a heated situation like I read in Bringing Yoga to Life the other day. Much to my chagrin, it is not a magic smoke that takes the feeling away. I'm here with it. As my breath gets deeper, I penetrate through what I'm feeling into the deep layers of samskaras that it is originating from.

Now it feels a little better.

I am tired of being unhappy all the time. I am tired of always wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to live in the future, wanting to live in the past. It gives me a headache. It gets stuck in my gut and feels like silly putty fills my organs. It's a numb, swampy feeling. I can get rid of it temporarily, but who has time for that? I come home so tired from sitting all day that I can't move.

Numb.

I'm sailing through life waiting to reach some future point and it's no secret, but I love where I am.

Numb again. Good night.