Flow

I managed to get up into shoulderstand without any effort tonight. I bent my knees, and with an exhalation I was up. Regardless of how frustrated I get from day to day, I must be doing something right. Honestly, that's all I care about. I want to have some sort of assurance that I'm not totally off base with my practice. It's hard doing something mostly by yourself that is really supposed to be supported by an awesome teacher. Well, I am my own awesome teacher for most things these days, and I should trust myself.

I know what I'm doing.

I've had the faith in myself to make it this far, and I just need to push further. No, not push... but go.

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So last night I fell asleep before I could finish this entry, but I don't think I have anything more to add to it at the present time.

Working hard

I haven't worked very hard on my yoga practice today, but I definitely worked hard on my grad school application. I'm really not sure how to make myself do something I don't want to do without willfully doing it. I wish I felt like writing was art rather than tedium.

Do I really like tv better than this? Stephen Colbert makes me laugh but I know I really used to like to write... at some point. I just get so distracted!

How do I do this without forcing myself to do it? I need to want to do it. Why don't I want to do this? Because I don't want to use my brain... no, that's not it. I think that I have placed a stigma on writing that I don't want to have anymore. I can do this. Plus, I like the clickey sound that my keyboard makes.

My non-violence today is trying to figure out how I can do the things that I know I want to do without willfully doing them. I need to figure out why I want to do them.

How option-y. On that note, I think I should go to bed.

Five days is a short period of time.

I was sick, then I was sad.

Moving on.

Today I started my practice from a much different place, and I suppose that's what I've been working towards for the past few days. I came into each pose with the idea in my head that I was forming a piece of art, not molding a dummy into a particular pose. Instead of forcing my body to contort I just tried to plug in to my natural energy flow and move. As a result, I got in to my poses a lot more easily and found myself more able to hold them for an extended period of time.

My brain was worked pretty hard today, so that relaxed practice felt really good. I think that is really the way to practice ahimsa towards myself.

Tomorrow will be another busy day... Dahn, then writing writing writing... make dinner... writing writing. But hey, I'm actually looking forward to it now. Yesterday night I went to bed feeling really horrible about myself. When I get stuck in one of those holes, I can't find a way to pull myself out. Today, I managed to get some help, take my time, and I am starting to construct an essay that I can truly be proud of. I'll post it when I'm done.

Goodnight.

Why

A big underlying reason for me to pursue spiritual exploration is to find out what makes me tick. Why do I spend days at a time staring at the wall wishing I were being productive when all I need to do is get up and be productive? It sounds so simple when I put it that way, but somehow it's not. I sit there and berate myself for being lazy, which I always have been, so I think it is impossible to turn my life around and get out of this rut.

Do I really think I've been in a rut all my life?

Yes.

I have always secretly felt that I was not working hard enough and that I didn't want anything. I'm not talking material desires, I'm talking ambition. I have always lacked ambition in favor of expending little physical and mental effort. Everything feels so out of my control at this point. WHY???????

I need to focus on being non-violent towards myself before I can even think about being non-violent towards other people. Otherwise I'm just going to feel guilty for lashing out at others and beat myself up for it. That is not exactly the definition of non-violence! I am going to make a small promise to myself right now, but it is not coming from a willful place. It is coming from a peaceful place that will not judge if I do not immediately keep this promise for ever and always. I just want to be mindful of this. I need to enjoy the small things. I need to increase my sensitivity. Maybe I shut down to avoid being hurt. Well, I can't be hurt unless I hurt myself, right? I want to open my heart.

Yes. That is it.

Every time I start feeling like I have for the past few days, I should remember to keep my heart open. If this means that I feel more immediately sad instead of trying to drown myself in some mindless activity, so be it. At least that is authentic.

Let's see if I can wipe the years of dust off the old ticker and see what she can do.

Ahimsa

Tonight I will practice ahimsa by simply saying that my brain does not feel good and so I am not going to stretch it to write something. I did not read today, I thought about ahimsa most of the day but did not practice it, and I didn't read anything again.

Like I was dedicated, now I am having an off day. It's... transience.

I think I want to blame it on the situps.

Sleepy.

I started my asana practice a little late tonight (midnight) and didn't read anything. I had a rough evening tonight after looking at old pictures of my parents when my mom was just getting out of college and she and my dad were starting their lives together. They looked like they were having so much fun! That made me painfully aware of how isolated I feel sitting in this basement. I pushed so many people away back in Massachusetts, but now I just want to hang out with people no matter how lame they are. I even posted on craigslist.org to find some friends. Ho hum.

Anyway, posting made me feel better because I was attempting to do something about my current situation. So we smoked a little and then I started my practice. It was AWESOME! I almost got myself into reverse triangle and I touched my nose to my knee in parsvattonasana! My hips are less tense than they have been in a long time. That could have been a product of the Dahn class I attended today. It was alright--there was a nice lady in the class and some of the stretches were helpful. I enjoy traditional yoga a lot better... in fact, this wasn't really yoga at all. There was meditation though, and not a lot of yoga classes these days have meditation. So despite being tired and a little sad, I'm here and my hips feel fabulous. Whee!

I was reminded tonight during my thought wanderings that I wanted to concentrate on one of the yamas for the next five two-week cycles in order. For the next two weeks, I will concentrate on ahimsa in all corners of my life.