So, I've succeeded in keeping my bhavana at least in the background of most my days. I've been having a rough week. Zack is gone and I kind of got really overwhelmed with work and all the stuff I have to do over the next few weeks. I think tonight I'm feeling better about it though. I may not be actively separating myself from my mind, but I think the idea is floating around in my head much more forcefully than it was before.
Today at work I was feeling frustrated with myself for being frustrated with Harrison (oh boy, that sounds even funnier now that I've typed it). I would really love to be able to be in a peaceful state all the time, but I shouldn't just beat myself up for it just because I'm not automatically there! In the present moment, that's where I was. I think the first thing I need to do is accept that before I can move on to changing it. We talked about this in our sutra study group last Thursday... it's not enough just to not have the undesirable emotions. I have to really focus on them and know them before I can let them go. atha. Be in the present moment, not in a state where you are wishing you weren't there. That is totally what I need to work on, because it is essentially what drives my life. Even if I'm feeling like utter garbage, I need to meet myself in that place rather than run away from it. Only then will I be living in the present.
Well, that was pretty productive. My mantra: Atha yoganusasanam.
As for my practice, I only did three sun salutations this morning. However, I've started working with ujjayi breathing as a way to keep myself focused on the breath. It has helped a lot--I can monitor my breathing a lot better when I can hear a sound instead of just feeling the tension when it's there. I think I'm going to set up a private session with Robin when she comes back so I can get to the bottom of this anxiety/tension/breathing thing that I am coming to realize are much much much more related than I previously thought they were. Wow, something just released deep in my chest after I typed that. Cool.
My awareness is slowly getting better. Again, it's all about meeting myself at the current moment rather than running away from it. Sure, I don't particularly want to feel "like this," but I can't just ignore it by channeling my awareness elsewhere. I have to be fully aware of it before I can realize what's going on. Babysteps! I think ujjayi is a good way to start.
9.26.2006
9.22.2006
Unperfect.
Well, I haven't updated my blog in a few days. I think the theme of this week has been non-practice. I have been so intent on not letting everything get to me or slow me down that it finally has. Zack left yesterday and I miss him a lot. I probably won't get to see him for two weeks, which is a long time. I guess I feel kind of isolated--I really haven't made any new friends my age here, and while I love my yoga sangha, they all have their own lives and established routines. I don't feel like I quite fit there yet. The trouble is, I feel so separated from other people my age. I also have very little time to have fun these days.
I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. My vrttis have been wildly waltzing around a lot lately, some in productive directions and some notsomuch. My mind has an idea of where it thinks "happiness" is, and I am beginning to know it's not there, but this interrim is kind of depressing. I know that I'm not going to find happiness by going out and partying all the time, but that's what my mind wants to do. No, that's what my mind wants to do. I need to stop identifying with that urge and realize that it is a part of my mind's nostalgia for what it thinks it once had.
I need to let go.
I am in this new transformative stage of my life, but every step I take is both perpetuated and hindered by fear. I guess I can't figure out who I am beyond, well, who I used to want to be. I know that I'm heading in the right direction, but ::whine:: it's so hard! Every time I get inspired, I leave the situation that prompts that excitement and return to my normal state of lassitude. I think that this is a necessary phase though--everyone needs a little bit of discomfort to really ease into what they want their lives to be and to become great people, right? I have to step out of being accustomed to having it all, all the time, at any cost.
I do not want to be a visitor in my own self.
I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. My vrttis have been wildly waltzing around a lot lately, some in productive directions and some notsomuch. My mind has an idea of where it thinks "happiness" is, and I am beginning to know it's not there, but this interrim is kind of depressing. I know that I'm not going to find happiness by going out and partying all the time, but that's what my mind wants to do. No, that's what my mind wants to do. I need to stop identifying with that urge and realize that it is a part of my mind's nostalgia for what it thinks it once had.
I need to let go.
I am in this new transformative stage of my life, but every step I take is both perpetuated and hindered by fear. I guess I can't figure out who I am beyond, well, who I used to want to be. I know that I'm heading in the right direction, but ::whine:: it's so hard! Every time I get inspired, I leave the situation that prompts that excitement and return to my normal state of lassitude. I think that this is a necessary phase though--everyone needs a little bit of discomfort to really ease into what they want their lives to be and to become great people, right? I have to step out of being accustomed to having it all, all the time, at any cost.
I do not want to be a visitor in my own self.
9.18.2006
Here I am, remembering to post my second journal entry of the day! Unfortunately, I haven't really kept the sutras in the front of my mind today, but I'm sure I have something to say about them. Wow. What to say about these first four? They are so incredibly profound. Vrttis vrttis vrttis!
Well, my balancing practice this morning served me wonderfully throughout the day. I felt very balanced and refreshed until about 4pm this afternoon, but I was quickly able to regain my poise after about fifteen minutes. I think remembering to focus on breathing in a way that supports balance and ease rather than my sympathetic nervous system helps as well :). Of course, what I am perceiving is still the vrttis of the mind, but if I feel "balanced" I can put these things into perspective rather than bouncing around all over the place with uncontrolled vrttis stealing the show. I can also function without falling victim to millions of vrttis all at once, because when I feel balanced there just aren't as many competing for my attention.
I've also been thinking a lot today about what I absorbed from teacher training. Atha yoganusasama! It feels wonderful to be learning these things... I can be my own teacher during the times when I do not have the good fortune to be in the presence of one of my other teachers. Of course, I have always been there to facilitate learning for myself, and I have done a pretty good job thus far, but I think it's knowing that these are "true" teachings that I can rely on because they are being passed down through so many generations that makes me feel so stable practicing them. I was also thinking the other day that teaching yoga is perfect for me because I always want to help people, but I don't always know how. Now I can start to build my own toolbox and also have the wisdom to know when I can't answer a question.
I think what I would like to focus on this week is making sure that I do not bring my vrttis and samskaras to my students. There, I have set my intention.
Well, my balancing practice this morning served me wonderfully throughout the day. I felt very balanced and refreshed until about 4pm this afternoon, but I was quickly able to regain my poise after about fifteen minutes. I think remembering to focus on breathing in a way that supports balance and ease rather than my sympathetic nervous system helps as well :). Of course, what I am perceiving is still the vrttis of the mind, but if I feel "balanced" I can put these things into perspective rather than bouncing around all over the place with uncontrolled vrttis stealing the show. I can also function without falling victim to millions of vrttis all at once, because when I feel balanced there just aren't as many competing for my attention.
I've also been thinking a lot today about what I absorbed from teacher training. Atha yoganusasama! It feels wonderful to be learning these things... I can be my own teacher during the times when I do not have the good fortune to be in the presence of one of my other teachers. Of course, I have always been there to facilitate learning for myself, and I have done a pretty good job thus far, but I think it's knowing that these are "true" teachings that I can rely on because they are being passed down through so many generations that makes me feel so stable practicing them. I was also thinking the other day that teaching yoga is perfect for me because I always want to help people, but I don't always know how. Now I can start to build my own toolbox and also have the wisdom to know when I can't answer a question.
I think what I would like to focus on this week is making sure that I do not bring my vrttis and samskaras to my students. There, I have set my intention.
Awareness
I'm attempting to get myself to journal every day again... I'm hoping that it will work this time because it's for school! Actually, I will be making two short journal entries every day: one on my morning practice to cultivate a level of observation of myself and one in the afternoon/evening (after I get home from work) on the role that sutras 1.1 to 1.4 play during my daily life. Here goes!
This morning I decided to practice a samana sequence that I came up with last night for my teens' class. The intention of this sequence is to introduce the idea of integrating the breath with the movement. To start off, I can say that I feel very balanced right now, although I'm certainly missing that nice rush I have after doing my normal brhmana practice every morning. Suffice to say, this was not the exactly right practice for me as an individual for this time of day. One of the things I really noticed was my chest tightness for lack of a backbend or two to open it after sleeping all night. Of course, I designed the practice to be done by a bunch of teenagers after they get out of school. As far as the breath integration with movement, I did not inspire myself the way Robin might in this practice, so I feel like I'm missing something. Perhaps I will do this practice again tomorrow morning while holding the intention to really work myself with the breath (because I tend to be a little lax in that area!).
As far as the sequence itself, I liked it. It was very simple but allowed for the untrained mind to focus on the breath without getting distracted by the body so much. Now that I'm looking at the sequence again, I realize that I forgot to do uttanasana before extending into side angle pose. No wonder my back hurt in trikonasana! I guess that's a good example of why forward bends are the hub of the wheel... I went right into laterals instead of preparing my spine first. Good to know! Other than that piece of it, I think the only change I would make is to have the student stay in each of the poses and feel after doing the repetitions. I tried it in trikonasana and felt that it gave me a chance to integrate what my body was feeling in the pose (like a svasana of sorts).
Now that I've been sitting for a little while, I think I'm going to incorporate a backbend into the sequence to get the upper back working a little bit in that fashion. Maybe all I need to do is have them extend back a little further during the upwards motion in uttansana (except for the very last one so we can move into laterals safely). I think that would assist in the breathwork and release some of that tension there from sitting all day in school. OK, I think I covered all I wanted to cover for this morning.
This morning I decided to practice a samana sequence that I came up with last night for my teens' class. The intention of this sequence is to introduce the idea of integrating the breath with the movement. To start off, I can say that I feel very balanced right now, although I'm certainly missing that nice rush I have after doing my normal brhmana practice every morning. Suffice to say, this was not the exactly right practice for me as an individual for this time of day. One of the things I really noticed was my chest tightness for lack of a backbend or two to open it after sleeping all night. Of course, I designed the practice to be done by a bunch of teenagers after they get out of school. As far as the breath integration with movement, I did not inspire myself the way Robin might in this practice, so I feel like I'm missing something. Perhaps I will do this practice again tomorrow morning while holding the intention to really work myself with the breath (because I tend to be a little lax in that area!).
As far as the sequence itself, I liked it. It was very simple but allowed for the untrained mind to focus on the breath without getting distracted by the body so much. Now that I'm looking at the sequence again, I realize that I forgot to do uttanasana before extending into side angle pose. No wonder my back hurt in trikonasana! I guess that's a good example of why forward bends are the hub of the wheel... I went right into laterals instead of preparing my spine first. Good to know! Other than that piece of it, I think the only change I would make is to have the student stay in each of the poses and feel after doing the repetitions. I tried it in trikonasana and felt that it gave me a chance to integrate what my body was feeling in the pose (like a svasana of sorts).
Now that I've been sitting for a little while, I think I'm going to incorporate a backbend into the sequence to get the upper back working a little bit in that fashion. Maybe all I need to do is have them extend back a little further during the upwards motion in uttansana (except for the very last one so we can move into laterals safely). I think that would assist in the breathwork and release some of that tension there from sitting all day in school. OK, I think I covered all I wanted to cover for this morning.
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