Week Three, Day One

Wow! My practice today was awesome. It was the first time I really felt that anything I read during the last two weeks sunk in. I started my new set of asanas today. The new group essentially incorporates those from the old group with two new and more challenging poses thrown in: Reverse Triangle and a forward bend where my legs are spread really wide and my head rests on the floor. The latter felt AWESOME. The former was very difficult for me to get into since I have difficulty with both triangle and twists. I decided to take it easy on myself for the first time, especially since I tried it out at first and almost fell in a bad way. So I put my big toe against the wall and used a block for my hand to rest on. The first side was a little tricky since I didn't know what I was doing, but on the second side I concentrated on keeping my back foot planted firmly on the ground and shifting the weight in my front thigh towards the side opposite my stretch. I found a modicum of stability! I have eons to go in the pose, but I really feel like I am starting to "get it." I know I can.

Faith.

Instead of questioning myself because of the physical excuses I think I have, I just went ahead and tried it. It helps to have a course of action laid out by a guru that I can follow. Of course, I won't go as far to injure myself, but I don't think that I otherwise would have inclued such an asana in my practice. After that, parsvattonasana was a BREEZE. I have never been able to to that pose so well. Here's to opening up my hips and my confidence!

On another good note, I started seriously working on my essay for grad school today. Instead of sitting there staring at the computer screen getting frustrated with myself, I managed to get out the better part of two pages and take a shower in three hours! The sheer brainpower alone that those simple tasks used to require were ridiculous! Now I have faith in myself that I can accomplish these things. I know I can. I was only a lazy slob because I thought I was a lazy slob, then I would feel guilty about it, which turned me into more of a lazy slob. No more!

I'm getting there.

My reading today was the third chapter in Human Technology. So far, I'm not that that that impressed. A lot of the text seems to be filler around a few mediocre (and certainly not original) concepts. I'll keep reading, though. Tomorrow I'm set to go to class, so we'll see what there is to see!

Oh, and one more thing. I've solved my triangle problem, I think. Before, I was putting way too much pressure on my front foot in the pose. Now I've learned to tighten the back knee and engage my inner thigh to really find some stability in the pose so I don't have to tense my hips up and therefore strain my front knee and ankle. It feels SO much better.

Now I am officially signing out to wait for Zack to get home. Namaste!!!!!

Two weeks later.

I made it! I started something two weeks ago, and I stuck with it until now. In fact, I can slowly see myself making some progress! Every day I learn something new, and even though it's hard to string those experiences together into one cohesive "learning," I know that I've come a long way in two weeks and that I can only go further from here.

I haven't read yet today so I don't have any commentary on the next few sectons of Light on Life, but I did just finish my asana practice and BOY was it both frustrating and rewarding. I am still having lots of trouble with all the standing w/ legs spread poses (except for Warrior II), but my shoulderstand today was AWESOME! As long as I let myself get up the way I feel most comfortable, the pose is now consistantly a success. In fact, even Halasana is coming along well now that I am really starting to engage my spine in the intense stretch. I think I am getting to the point where I could hold shoulderstand for an extended period of time! That work will be for next week, though. As far as my standing poses go, I will keep working in them for as long as it takes! I am definitely in this for the long haul, no matter how frustrated I get.

Oh! Headache journal report. I felt myself starting to get a migraine after dinner tonight when I set about to do some cleaning/putting stuff away from our trip. The head pain itself never got too bad, but the nausea was starting to build so I went upstairs and laid down on the comfy couch for awhile. Thankfully I fell asleep and now am awake, alert, and relatively headache free. For the record, dinner tonight was the winter vegetable stew from the Vegetarian Epicure Book Two, a salad with Annie's Ginger Dressing, and some French bread. The only other things I ate today were some burritos and La Casita chips and salsa.

On a completely unrelated note, my journaling (excuse me, BLOGGING), is really bringing my language skills back on track. I don't find myself sitting in front of the computer at a loss for words anymore. Now I just need to translate that over to grad school essays and I'm all set!

busybusybusy.

In some respects, today felt very productive. In others, it did not.

That sounded very negative though. I got a lot done today and in some ways fulfilled my daily practice. Mom and I went to Karen's for yoga this morning. I like going to her little studio because it is so relaxed and more connected to what I feel a real place to practice with a teacher should be like. We did a lot of neck and back work today because Rosemarie slept on her neck funny. I really enjoyed a lot of the stuff we did, especially doing down dog and warrior against the wall. I worked on a lot of tension that I have been facing in my private practice, especially in the hips. Being against the wall made it easier for my hips to open because it didn't feel like they were solely responsible for maintaining my balance. I should remember that my stillness and balance comes from my hara, not from tension in my hips. Karen also aligned me in savasana in such a way that I was able to plug myself into the earth's gravity like never before. It was especially this rotation that she did with my shoulders... it helped so much! I learned later that she had discussed and worked on her fear of aligning her students with a teacher in Carnation that I really want to take a class with. I think it's Thursday at 5:45...?

My reading was actually a product of my job interview that I went to today. I interviewed at a Dahn Yoga Center despite my skepticism. The lady I interviewed with was very nice, although not the best speaker of English. I got two free weeks of yoga classes and a free book to read. I have to go to at least three classes a week until we meet in February to discuss if I'm employed. I am kind of relieved that this is the way it is working since I am so unsure of whether I want to work there or not. I figure, I'll take some free yoga classes and then see what I feel about the place. Anyway, the free book was my reading. The first chapter was about self-reliance and how we change ourselves to adapt to systems rather than the other way around. I can see that. I'm still going to be ultra-wary though. I won't let someone else tell me what a cult is, but I certainly don't want to test my resistance to one.

And with that, I complete my writing. Goodnight.

Spaced out.

Today my practice has been all about space.

First, there was a big space between me waking up and me engaging my mind and body in a positive way. I did, however, go to the doctor. That was productive.

I finally sat down and thought about my spiritual health at around 10:30. I read part of the chapter on asana in Light on Life, and it proved to be just what I needed to relieve the stagnation I felt in my body after traveling and losing a little bit of faith in myself yesterday. Instead of straining my muscles to contort themselves into positions that they don't feel comfortable in, I worked on expanding my awareness to my fingertips and my toes (and everywhere in between) in order to create some stability in my pose. Whaddaya know, it worked. Instead of feeling like I've overstretched my muscles (which for some crazy reason sometimes feels good!), I feel like I have reconnected my mind with my body.

I needed that. Now I can learn to create space in my body without struggling against tension that I feel powerless to relieve. Tomorrow morning I am going to class (either Karen or Robin, I don't know yet), and I am going to remember this idea in my head for tomorrow morning if tv doesn't rot it out first.

Rot rot rot.

Speaking of rot, I need to stop drinking coffee altogether. It sucks that I've gotten to the coffee mecca, with espresso every two feet, and I am just recognizing that I should totally not drink it. It affects the stability in my concentration, just like television obviously does.

I'll get there eventually.

Two days, one stone.

We have arrived, safe and sound. Our trip was a perfect example of the transient nature of life. That sounds like the epitome of obvious, but it's more complicated than that. Our first day was absolute bliss. I felt whole, happy, and relaxed, and the day seemed to just unfold perfectly. We drove, and drove, and drove (for over 12 hours!), but I managed to consume two vegetarian meals instead of succumbing to the demon of convenience and scarfing down a hamburger My mind was focused on keeping my arm joints loose and my breathing deep. I sang a lot, employing the breathing technique that I used when I was hiking a few days ago. Singing from your hara rather than the chest really helps! I still wouldn't go as far to say that my singing voice is particularly pleasant to listen to, but I was able to hold my notes in the same way that I managed to make it up those last hills on our hike. It's really an issue of creating a line of stability from the chest to the abdomen and back again. When that part of the body is stable, the limbs can use that as a starting point to develop their own sense of stability and relaxation. After my mind had stayed in that positive place all day, I was totally ready for an awesome asana practice, which I had. The one shining moment from that practice that stands out in my mind was definitely Savasana. I am really getting better at moving deeper into the relaxation without verbal prompting. My reading for yesterday was a revision of my daily asanas and looking ahead to what I can expect next Monday and beyond from my course guide. So all in all, my day yesterday was a mentally and physically challenging and rewarding day.

Today was quite different from yesterday. I am not placing judgment on how or why the two days felt so different because I think it would be more helpful to simply lay out the events and contributing factors and let them speak for themselves. We woke up this morning and got a slow start because we couldn't decide on a place to get breakfast. We finally made a smart move and went to the grocery store for some basic, healthy staples that would tide us over until our sushi lunch with Nik in Portland. By the time we got to the grocery store though, I was already in a slightly bad mood and definitely tense with frustration. After breakfast, the other drivers on the road were not meeting my base standards for sharing the road with me, but unlike yesterday they were not at all accomodating for other drivers on the road. I fought with people driving unfairly pretty much all day, which also left tension and frustration. Whereas yesterday I was able to express my frustration with othe drivers without getting angry or spreading violence, today I was definitely not practicing ahimsa the way I should have been. That thought crossed my mind a few times as I was screaming at other people, but I was just so mad that I didn't feel at all in control of how I was expressing that anger. For now though, I'm not going to attack my road rage with a fine-tooth comb. All I want to do is calm it down a few notches so I don't feel like I am neglecting to practice ahimsa.

The break in Portland helped, but I broke my concentration on diet for cheap sushi. Looking at the big picture though, this road trip was much more successful than those past where vegetarianism is concerned. Again, that is not something I am going to beat myself up over. I am going to gradually phase out the last few influences that eating meat has on my life, and I am consciously working on that. The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, but now that we're home all I am is tired and and, admittedly, a little frustrated that I didn't have such a good day today. I did manage to read something and practice my asanas though... in fact, I borred Light on Life from my mom for my daily readings for the next week or so. So far, it's awesome! My reading today was just the introduction and first chapter that essentially laid out the basics that I've been reviewing in Iyengar's other books and on the internet. I feel like something is finally starting to sink in! Tomorrow I'll start my reading about asana with the intention of deepening my own practice. Tonight my muscles were very stiff and my knee still hurts from where I think I hyperextended it doing triangle pose a few days in a row. I can see some improvement though! Some days are just better than others in that respect.

I have faith that this progress will continue.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That was the theme of my practice today. I tried to just let myself be, let myself find the point of stability in my poses that I know I have. I am still in the process of awakening this energy, but it's coming one movement at a time.

We are leaving for Washington tomorrow morning. A friend of ours gave us a gift that I feel deep gratitude for, if for no other reason than that it reminds me that I don't need to waste my energy worrying on providing for my every want and desire--because they are fulfilled enough without much effort at all besides love and friendship. In fact, I think that it is one of the most genuinely nice things I have seen done in awhile. Those things relax my grip a little and open my heart to the possibility that I can just let go.

I want to let go. That is the motto for our trip.

Pause.

I almost forgot about my journal entry today! Sometimes I seem so hell-bent on filling time so I'm not "bored" that I forget to do important things that I want to make a part of my daily schedule! I only caught myself because I started talking to Zack about some progress I made in some of my standing poses today that came about directly from one of his suggestions. Instead of heading back downstairs and plugging in the old ethernet cord, this entry is being made possible by the super awesome program "Stickies." Thank you, Stickies.
Anyway, I did a lot of philosophy reading today after my anatomy-intensive Pranayama reading yesterday. I read an article about adhering to the five yamas, which led to my decision that, starting next week, I am going to pick a specific yama to focus on for two weeks before moving on to another one. I think that's a really good way to fully integrate those concepts into my practice. We'll see how it goes. I also read an article on extending that "yooooo" feeling that I get right after a good asana practice. I ended up sending that one to my mom - it focused on enjoying those moments of stillness, however fleeting they may be.

Pause.

My asana practice today went really well. As I said before, Zack helped me realize that I was hyperextending my knee in standing poses that required my feet to be spread more than three feet apart. That was obviously what was causing my ankle/shin pain the past few nights. I guess my muscles were so charged after my hike (and perhaps I was a little too proud of my accomplishments) that I started hyperextending my knees. Well, that's a lesson learned. Now I can almost put my whole hand on the ground in triangle, and everything else followed very nicely. I think I am starting to learn how not to force myself into these poses in favor of breathing into them. Reading a lot really seems to be enhancing my practice!

I think I am going to cut this one a little short tonight. I think I recorded all I wanted to record, and bed and a bowl await me (we all have our vices).

At rest.

I haven't done anything today (yet).

But I am no longer afraid that I will not get anything done if I wait until 10:18. Would I be more fulfilled if I did my practice earlier? Would I have benefitted from extra time afterwards to reflect on my practice? I think I would have enjoyed not being so stiff all day, and that some poses would have helped me feel better after that long hike yesterday. I think I would have felt much better mentally. In fact, I have been a little on edge all day. I haven't been able to concentrate on much and my interactions with people have been a little bit more difficult than usual.

I am not judging this, I am just observing it.

I have been trying all day to concentrate on regulating my breath. I remember for a few minutes until I get distracted with something else. Yesterday it was so much easier! I was able to concentrate on my breathing because the activity was much simpler. In everyday life, things are much more hectic than they are when I'm hiking. Like now for instance, I'm trying to type and watch tv at the same time. I know what I have to do, and I've known for a long time. I have to simplify things and stop directing my attention to forty million things at once.

Simplify?

What's 12 hours...

So I'm a little late... but I have great stuff to report, so I won't fault myself for it. Yesterday we went hiking at Point Reyes National Seashore. When we first got there, I was very frustrated. I had to pee really bad, and there were lots of slow people on the road, not to mention that the grocer we stopped at to get lunch did not have a public bathroom (good sandwiches, though). We finally made it to the visitors' center, grabbed a map and a made a pit stop, and we were off in search of a fulfilling hike. We drove to the trailhead for Tamales Point, but it was so crowded there that we decided to stop and picnic a bit before moving on to find a more deserted part of the park.

Our lunch spot was absolutely beautiful! To our left was a triangle of ocean water framed by two green hills. To our right were white buildings left over from an old ranch. We munched on our futzy sandwiches and tasty baked potato chips, then hit the road again towards a different part of the park. Down the road aways, we found our turnoff. We wound up a narrow back road until the end, parked, and finally started on our way.

And what a way it was.

We started downhill. We went down, and down, and down, and down. I started to get worried, seeing as all that downhill necessarily meant lots of uphill on the last leg of our trip. I started to panic a little bit, but Zack helped me decide that we were going to finish what we started. The trail was easy until we started heading back up. Then we went up, and up, and up, and up, and up, and UP. I thought those hills were never going to end. To make matters more challenging, I was carrying a heavier load on my back then ever have on a hike like that. Again, I was determined to finish out the hike, pack and all. Up and up we went, and darker and darker it got. I started to panic again, but thanks to Zack I am not still sitting there. We finally made it, and I can say I had the most fulfilling hike of my life. I totally proved something to myself yesterday:

I can breathe.

I spent the whole hike concentrating on my breathing. Of course, I've done that before, but my efforts have always been met with a tension in my chest. This time, I used the breathing technique that channels the energy from the inhalation up from the abdomen to the chest, then channels the exhalation back down again. That helped immesurably! Regardless of how hard my heart was pumping or how sore my muscles were, I concentrated on not letting my breath run away with me. It worked! I've never exerted that much physical effort without losing my breath. I am so excited. I feel like I've really made some progress, and even if I stopped putting any effort into cultivating my yoga practice (which is defintelynot going to happen), I would still have derived some life-long benefit from my efforts this past week. I am so proud of myself.

My asana practice last night was a little weak and tired, but I managed to get through everything but one pose. I'm still having trouble with my ankles in standing poses where my legs are spread and I have to move my feet in a certain direction. But hey, anything's possible now.

Procrastination?

So I haven't gotten around to my practice today. I'm actually sitting around staring at the television right now with a bit of a tummyache. I read a lot today though. I was rooting around yogajournal.com today looking for some breathing tips since I feel like that would really help me extend into poses and make room for more movement and comfort. I have always had a tension in my breath that has really prevented me from correctly doing certain poses, especially twists. It's not like this is the first time I've read about yogic breathing before, but I don't think I've ever realized how much of an impact the tension in my breath had on my practice. I get so caught up in trying to perfect my pose and force my body to do things that it doesn't want to do that I completely lose the rhythm of my breath. Obviously, if I redirect my determination to simple concentration on my breathing patterns, I will be able to get deeper into the asanas without putting myself through the effort and pain that I sometimes do.

I also read something interesting about shoulderstand that I think I should incorporate into my practice. I've always had problems with shoulderstand, although recently I've resolved my issue with staying in the pose. Now I want to really perfect the asana, but I hit a brick wall with my lack of ability to pull my legs up over my shoulders from a horizontal position. At first I went in search of a way to strengthen my abs, but I think the best way to go is to gradually teach myself how to do this particularly important pose the right way, slowly, without putting pressure on myself to be able to do it perfectly right away. I should use the wall like the article in Yoga Journal said, using the techniques they suggest to perfect my chin bandha and my confidence in an inverted pose.

I need to focus my energy! But I am content with where I am right now.

Determination

I've spent the past few hours trying to fulfill my reading for the day by browsing through the "Yoga Journal" website. I was pleasantly surprised! I know from experience that I like the magazine, but I'm not a big magazine subscriber. I read some really great (albeit short) articles tonight that really got me thinking. One in particular, which was actually the answer to a question, led me to decide on my writing topic for tonight: determination.

I always lacked determination. Whether it was piano, horseback riding, or even school, I had the talent but I lacked the determination. My whole life, I've been determined to be determined, but I don't think I ever made it to the point of determination. When I started this journal, I was determined to succeed at something. After living my life thus far being sure that I "could" accomplish something, I wanted to set out and actually accomplish it. That still feels like my goal, but after reading the little blip on yogajournal.com, I think that I should rethink my focus. I am way too focused on "getting into the right position" or "practicing exactly the right way." What am I doing this for, anyway? Perfection? No. I am doing this to feel better and to live better in this body and in myself.

I need to relax, man!

I need to stop worrying about my potbelly, my short legs, and all my tension, because worrying is going to make all these things worse (or at least more of an obstacle to my practice). This is not like a sport or like anything else I have done before, but I want it to affect how I live my life from now on. I think I am just nervous about starting over with a clean slate because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or that I know what's right for myself.

I do.

I need to trust myself, challenge myself and have FAITH in mySELF to do this... which is definitely not something that I have ever done before. I am my own teacher for now. Perhaps at some point I will find a teacher that I really click with, but right now I want that to be me. I need to stop clenching my hara, but breathe into it. I need to stop trying to mold my body with my mind, but instead let them move in harmony. I can do what is right for myself without having to mold and bend to someone else's idea of what is right. Let me leave my guilt about not "trying hard enough" in the past. Right now all that is stopping me from doing what is right is my lack of self-confidence. I need to take it slow and make my own path.

I need to replace determination with faith.

I can.

Headache

Today was not quite as fulfilling as yesterday. I find myself lacking for reading material that will inspire me like the stuff I read yesterday, although I'm sure that's pretty absurd given the wealth of information available to me on the internet.

So here's the real deal... I didn't read anything today. Instead, we went to La Casita, Bryan and Jeff came over, and I ate a lot of ice cream and the rest of my vietnamese food. I had a headache that came and went pretty much all day. In honor of this misery that is extending into its third day straight, I am going to start keeping a headache journal as well as a yoga journal all in one blog. It has been suggested to me to do this many times, but I couldn't be bothered. Now I think I'm starting to get worried.

So I didn't read today; that has been laid out on the table. I did get around to doing my asana practice at around 2:00 am, but I shortened it considerably. I think I did this for a few reasons - I was not quite as successful with triangle as I was yesterday, I couldn't remember how to do the second one, and Zack wanted to smoke a bowl. When I gave up on my regular practice, I decided to try a few of the poses that Iyengar suggested for headaches so I wouldn't feel like I had abandoned my practice altogether.

I did a sitting forward bend at first. It really felt like it was doing something, but that productivity manifested itself as a heating sensation in my chest and a realization that the point where my neck and shoulders meet is very, very tense. That is useful information as far as headaches go, but it doesn't make me any less worried that there is something seriously imbalanced in my brain. All I can do for now is keep doing as much yoga as I think I can (which should be just as much as I told myself I was going to do!). After the forward bend, I asked Zack to help me get into a shoudlerstand (so I wouldn't hurt myself just trying to get up!). This effort was much more successful than yesterday's attempt, but it still pointed out that pressure at the base of my neck. I should keep an eye on that.

Today my headache was helped by those two yoga poses and Bach's Rescue Remedy. I'll keep track of what is successful and what isn't in an effort to fix this problem.

I also want to remind myself that even though I didn't fulfill everything I wanted to today, I did pry myself out of bed after taking a five-hour headache nap to do my asanas before I went to sleep for good. I usually don't push myself to do things, so even if I didn't complete my practice like I had planned, I still feel like I am making progress. Tomorrow, I want to figure out what else I can continue reading so I can support my yoga practice intellectually, which I have noticed that I actually like doing. In fact, I don't think I have willingly done this much reading and writing in a long time! It feels good.

...but could it be the cause of my headache? Oh jeez.

Held together

Today taught me that life is lived one moment at a time. I woke up this morning to a mediocre start: we stayed in bed for awhile, which was a nice luxury that I don't afford myself all that often anymore. I was having hip cramps this morning after our hike yesterday, which is probably a sign that I should work more on relaxing my hips while I'm hiking. Now they're awesome, thanks to my great practice this evening. After we got back from lunch with Bwana and I relaxed for awhile, I dutifully sat down and read the rest of the "Introduction" chapter of Iyengar's Light on Yoga. I flipped through the beginning of the Pranayama section of that book, but I think I'm going to take one step at a time instead of filling my head with ideas that I'm not quite ready for yet. Feeling fulfilled yet still longing for more reading, I decided to just plunge in and do my asana practice for the day.

I was having a little trouble when I first started my practice. I got into Tadasana well, but then Vrkasana really through me for a loop. In retrospect, it was probably a matter of lingering stiff hips from yesterday's hike. In any event, I became frustrated when I couldn't get my right foot high enough of my left thigh. Of course, that tensed me up even more and made it even harder. After I forced out 20 seconds on that side to match the fairly effortless time on the other, I paused to think about the futility of the effort I had just expended. Moving on to triangle, I focused on feeling light and still... and it was awesome! After all these years of forcing myself into poses, I found the right way to do them. Subtlety! It's all about subtle movements and stability. Perhaps that won't mean as much to me tomorrow, but right now I feel like something is starting to click.

I will not let myself get thrown off track by being too hard on myself.

but

I will not let myself get thrown off track by being too easy on myself.

Like I read today, the path to yoga is like a razor-thin blade.

Good evening.

Today was very productive and satisfying. I woke up and did my yoga course almost right away. It was a little frustrating this morning - I really need some tips on my shoulderstand since it is hard for me to get up without throwing my legs over my head and thus hurting my lower back. I tried to do "the stillness thing" in my head, got Zack to help me (which resulted in more frustration), but finally I got up. I feel like my legs are strong and my arms are strong (almost to a fault), but my entire abdomen is just a pile of goo that connects the two poorly.

I will work on strengthening my core through conscious effort.

I haven't gotten around to my reading yet, but I can't say it was because of laziness or procrastination. We went on a 7-mile hike in Portola State Park today that wore me out to the point that I came home, ate some burritos, and went to sleep with a headache. I hope that through conscious practice I can cure whatever is causing these damn things... it really throws me off. At least I'm awake and refreshed now, but not so refreshed that I don't think I can go back to sleep in a half hour or so. I just don't think that will give me time to read. No sense in doubling up tomorrow - I don't want to stretch myself. Non-violence includes the eyes too, I'm sure. Anyway, the hike was awesome. Not too strenuous, but long enough that I did have to align my thoughts with the present steps and not with the end. For some reason, every time my mind strayed from the right path all I could think of was hamburgers and french fries. I think that's a good way to realize that my immediate desires are fleeting and sometimes, well, stupid... or at least not what I really want. I did end up quenching my fast food thirst, but it was with 2 taco bell burritos. I'll admit, that food is not exactly organic... but at least it wasn't meaty.

I think I need to work on my faith. I am pretty solid on many of the other concepts I read about yesterday, but I find myself stopping when I get to faith. I tried it on for size today, but I think my faith muscle is very weak, like my stomach.

I will work on strengthening my faith through conscious effort.

It's funny how it works that way.

Concentrated.

This time, it will happen. This will not be another passing interest that doesn't hold my interest long enough to be meaningful. I've spent six years passively contorting my body, but now I want to still my mind. This is my life plan.

I will practice non-violence.
I will practice truth.
I will practice non-stealing.
I will practice continence.
I will practice non-coveting.

I will practice purity.
I will practice contentment.
I will practice ardour.
I will practice the study of Self.
I will practice the love of God.

I am making a promise to myself, and no one else, to hold to these precepts. I will not get anywhere without building blocks, and I need to allow myself to climb them slowly but surely. For the first time in perhaps my whole life, I am trying to approach something without already having formualted a plan to get through it by cutting corners and squeezing by. I want authenticity. I want to be authentic.

Perhaps I should set out some simple goals to accomplish every day:
Follow asana course once a day
Read about 30 pages that relate to the study of Self
Update journal

To start, that is what I am going to do. I hold myself to these three tasks every day with love.

Today, I learned that calm and stillness are inextricably important in my life. Without the cultivation of these states, I find myself lost in a sea of stimuli with no way to digest or expel anything that I've absorbed. However, I can't always control what I'm taking in. I need to cultivate my own stillness instead of rearranging outside forces in an attempt to create serenity inside. If I create peacefulness inside, I can spread it outside, thereby creating a more calm atmosphere for everyone.