I'd like to say that this is an "aha" moment, and in some ways it feels like one.
But, to me, an "aha" moment should be bathed in surprise. It implies something you never thought of before. Since I have had this thought many times, in many different ways, I am not surprised by it in the least bit. "Duh" moment sounds a little too harsh though, since it lacks recognition that this is a deep lesson for me to learn that pervades the layers of my being.
Feeling the need to push, to achieve, in every area of my life is overshadowing the joy that I could be feeling at any given moment. This is especially true when all of the pushing, the judgment, and the stress ultimately leads to failure. No wonder I am so exhausted all the time. The thing is, I have never had enough faith in myself that I could get something done without going through this whole process. That's what hard work is, right?
Not anymore.
I believe that my new roadmap to productivity of any sort should start with a blank slate. No pressure to complete the task perfectly, or even well, is required. With the absence of the mind chatter that is involved to dream up these unattainable standards, I can rely faithfully on my intuition and grace in order to get things done.
This thought came to mind while I was thinking about practicing this morning. I was very much looking forward to my meditation as a way to continue the relatively centered feeling of the morning, but when I thought about straightening up the interesting shape my spine is trying to form with a little yoga, my mood instantly turned a little sour. This has been happening frequently as of late, which is surprising because my reaction used to be in favor of asana over meditation. Since I found myself in a peaceful mood anyway, my knee-jerk reaction was tempered by a desire to watch the emotion unfold without immediately drumming up a response.
As I allowed myself to feel this resistance fully without getting absorbed by it, I realized that this familiar, dark cloud was really fear of failure. Since I had my first inkling that I might want to join teacher training with Robin, there was a running commentary in my head that I needed to transform into this other being in order to be "successful" at yoga. Since then, I have felt similar "aha" moments to the one I am having right now: this continuous desire to wriggle out of my own skin and adopt the habits and mentalities of a completely different person is just not helpful. This is especially true when the pressure to transform is so great that I can barely wash my face in the morning without having a huge heart attack about not getting it done.
What's really true is that I am capable of walking over to the bathroom and getting ready this morning. After that, I am capable of enjoying a full and intelligently crafted yoga practice, complete with ten minutes of meditation to close. After that, I will read a chapter of Energy Anatomy. Then it will be time to get to work, and I am certainly capable of complete the meager todo list I have so far. If I have to add a few things, that will be OK too. And if I don't get it all done, there's always tomorrow.
I am also capable of doing these things without fear as a motivator.
om shanti.
3.02.2009
3.01.2009
January and February - Cultivating Quiet
Hi blog.
2009 is off to an interesting start. Despite my zealous leap into the "New Year," there have not been any huge shifts in behavior to report.
No, I take that back.
At the end of January, my mom and I went on retreat to Aldermarsh on Whidbey Island with Karen and her friend who owns Discover Yoga in Redmond. The bhavana of the retreat was moving towards silence, which turned out to be absolutely perfect for me. In the opening circle, I drew an intention card that read something to the effect of, "Pay attention to the things that you tend to pull away from." I habitually pull away from silence, which very much affects the deeper levels of my practice. In theory, I love to practice because it feels so good and fills me with joy. The catch: I usually dread getting out the mat and sitting on it. My system is so often on constant overwhelm from the amount of noise I consume that it is difficult for me to imagine quiet, let alone settle into it.
So, after this retreat, I started meditating every day. Instead of setting the idea in my head that I had to start with 15 minutes (because clearly nothing shorter is worth my time?), I started with five. Five minutes was totally doable--a little short, even. So I moved to six after a few days. Then seven. And so on. Despite being sick, and despite my track record in general, I am now up to ten minutes. Ten enjoyable, delectable minutes of silence. I look forward to it most days, and even if I'm not jumping at the opportunity, I recognize the need for this time to myself. It's hard to put away the constant chatter in my head still, but I am getting closer to letting go of the attachment to it. It is now labeled "noise," and nothing else. Mostly.
Despite this huge accomplishment, the judgment fairy is still hanging onto my back for dear life. She's the inner roommate that I need to kick out once and for all. If I don't do something completely right, she's there, telling me how useless I am, and how I will never be able to do everything right like everyone else.
Yes, it looks ridiculous to me when I type it, but I buy right in when I'm thinking it.
The other day, I thought about not worrying. I forget what my brain was chewing over, but it was something worrisome. In the middle of the thought, I asked myself: what would it be like to let this worry go temporarily? It was so not relevant at the moment, and it felt so absolutely liberating to let it go. If only I could always remember to interrupt this thought process. I am coming more to terms with the fact that this constant anxiety/depression is not a healthy, normal reaction to stressful stimuli, and it almost always makes things so much worse.
Faith. I'm working on it. Even though things somedays may feel so much worse than they did a few years ago, I know that I am actually doing better now than I was then. I am mindful of the pattern, and I am slowly unraveling the train of thought that is so locked in to my daily life. Like bodywork, this is revealing some particularly painful areas for me--and some things are hurting for days or weeks on end, lately. This is true physically as well as mentally. February was particuarly active in this respect--many layers of myself totally purged through almost two weeks of illness. I didn't do myself many favors diet-wise during this since I was too sick to go through the effort of preparing nourishing food. So I'm still pretty stuck, but I'm feeling better than I was.
And in the middle of all of that, Zack and I got engaged :) So I have this particular set of tasks to attend to that bring me great joy, but keep me stuck in front of the computer a lot... which brings me back to my usual habits. I want the wedding to reflect our love of nature, especially that of the Pacific Northwest... so I think I should make it a point to go outside a lot for natural inspiration. And how fitting that one of my reading assignments for March is Walden & Essays by Thoreau. Hopefully I will motivate myself to actually read this month.
I hate television. It's not quiet by any stretch of the imagination. The rain is so much nicer. It is a quiet sound.
March is going to be a good month.
2009 is off to an interesting start. Despite my zealous leap into the "New Year," there have not been any huge shifts in behavior to report.
No, I take that back.
At the end of January, my mom and I went on retreat to Aldermarsh on Whidbey Island with Karen and her friend who owns Discover Yoga in Redmond. The bhavana of the retreat was moving towards silence, which turned out to be absolutely perfect for me. In the opening circle, I drew an intention card that read something to the effect of, "Pay attention to the things that you tend to pull away from." I habitually pull away from silence, which very much affects the deeper levels of my practice. In theory, I love to practice because it feels so good and fills me with joy. The catch: I usually dread getting out the mat and sitting on it. My system is so often on constant overwhelm from the amount of noise I consume that it is difficult for me to imagine quiet, let alone settle into it.
So, after this retreat, I started meditating every day. Instead of setting the idea in my head that I had to start with 15 minutes (because clearly nothing shorter is worth my time?), I started with five. Five minutes was totally doable--a little short, even. So I moved to six after a few days. Then seven. And so on. Despite being sick, and despite my track record in general, I am now up to ten minutes. Ten enjoyable, delectable minutes of silence. I look forward to it most days, and even if I'm not jumping at the opportunity, I recognize the need for this time to myself. It's hard to put away the constant chatter in my head still, but I am getting closer to letting go of the attachment to it. It is now labeled "noise," and nothing else. Mostly.
Despite this huge accomplishment, the judgment fairy is still hanging onto my back for dear life. She's the inner roommate that I need to kick out once and for all. If I don't do something completely right, she's there, telling me how useless I am, and how I will never be able to do everything right like everyone else.
Yes, it looks ridiculous to me when I type it, but I buy right in when I'm thinking it.
The other day, I thought about not worrying. I forget what my brain was chewing over, but it was something worrisome. In the middle of the thought, I asked myself: what would it be like to let this worry go temporarily? It was so not relevant at the moment, and it felt so absolutely liberating to let it go. If only I could always remember to interrupt this thought process. I am coming more to terms with the fact that this constant anxiety/depression is not a healthy, normal reaction to stressful stimuli, and it almost always makes things so much worse.
Faith. I'm working on it. Even though things somedays may feel so much worse than they did a few years ago, I know that I am actually doing better now than I was then. I am mindful of the pattern, and I am slowly unraveling the train of thought that is so locked in to my daily life. Like bodywork, this is revealing some particularly painful areas for me--and some things are hurting for days or weeks on end, lately. This is true physically as well as mentally. February was particuarly active in this respect--many layers of myself totally purged through almost two weeks of illness. I didn't do myself many favors diet-wise during this since I was too sick to go through the effort of preparing nourishing food. So I'm still pretty stuck, but I'm feeling better than I was.
And in the middle of all of that, Zack and I got engaged :) So I have this particular set of tasks to attend to that bring me great joy, but keep me stuck in front of the computer a lot... which brings me back to my usual habits. I want the wedding to reflect our love of nature, especially that of the Pacific Northwest... so I think I should make it a point to go outside a lot for natural inspiration. And how fitting that one of my reading assignments for March is Walden & Essays by Thoreau. Hopefully I will motivate myself to actually read this month.
I hate television. It's not quiet by any stretch of the imagination. The rain is so much nicer. It is a quiet sound.
March is going to be a good month.
1.13.2009
Still Here
Well, it's been a few days since I posted, but things have been pretty good. Yesterday was super productive. I started my morning routine just as Zack pulled out of the driveway, and I got everything done that I wanted to do before I was supposed to teach my class. I was feeling a little nervous about teaching, but I had a good practice after lunch that really helped me work through some teaching strategies on hip awareness. Come 4:15, however, Barbie called to let me know that the restaurant was too messy for yoga after the construction they were doing all day. So I ended up having the night off after all.
I can't lie, I was grateful to have the night off. No matter how much I can try to talk myself out of it, I am still nervous to teach. At the same time, I've spent a lot of time examining these feelings, and the fear that I feel around teaching seems more manageable because I have looked at it from all sides. I know that I feel apprehensive to teach because I want to be able to play out every classroom situation in my head before it happens, and I can't possibly predict every possible scenario. In the past, this fear would have eventually driven me away from teaching altogether. However, now that I am aware of my attempts to control situations in this way, I can ascribe the fear creeping up inside to this behavior pattern. Seeing around the cloud of fear, or even perhaps through it, is much more comforting than being surrounded by a fog. I can only hope that eventually the fog will lift. Sunshine, anyone?
Today was equally relaxing. Zack took the day off of work to fend off an impending illness, and so we got to spend the day together lollygagging. I still managed to get my morning routine partially done, and although I didn't get out to the grocery store, I did get dinner on the table thanks to my planning ahead weeks ago when the raviolis were on sale. The rest of the day was spent cross-stitching, working on my application (almost done!) and playing the Sims. Now the kitchen is clean, I have a kitty next to me, and I find myself willingly in front of the computer typing away. That is happening a lot more lately, even if not as much as I would like.
There has been a shift. A few months ago, all of the inner work I've done felt like it hadn't even scratched the surface. It might not have. However, I feel like a big block has been moved out of the way that helps me glimpse the light of possibility far more often than I used to be able to. I know it can't be totally ascribed to my change of space, as the last few months have served as a reminder that happiness is not guaranteed even in the best of circumstances. It really is that I am able to align myself with joy lately, and that is giving me the energy I need to get things done.
Brain flash: the energy I was missing is not ever going to be generated inside of me. I need to connect to the source.
That'll do.
I can't lie, I was grateful to have the night off. No matter how much I can try to talk myself out of it, I am still nervous to teach. At the same time, I've spent a lot of time examining these feelings, and the fear that I feel around teaching seems more manageable because I have looked at it from all sides. I know that I feel apprehensive to teach because I want to be able to play out every classroom situation in my head before it happens, and I can't possibly predict every possible scenario. In the past, this fear would have eventually driven me away from teaching altogether. However, now that I am aware of my attempts to control situations in this way, I can ascribe the fear creeping up inside to this behavior pattern. Seeing around the cloud of fear, or even perhaps through it, is much more comforting than being surrounded by a fog. I can only hope that eventually the fog will lift. Sunshine, anyone?
Today was equally relaxing. Zack took the day off of work to fend off an impending illness, and so we got to spend the day together lollygagging. I still managed to get my morning routine partially done, and although I didn't get out to the grocery store, I did get dinner on the table thanks to my planning ahead weeks ago when the raviolis were on sale. The rest of the day was spent cross-stitching, working on my application (almost done!) and playing the Sims. Now the kitchen is clean, I have a kitty next to me, and I find myself willingly in front of the computer typing away. That is happening a lot more lately, even if not as much as I would like.
There has been a shift. A few months ago, all of the inner work I've done felt like it hadn't even scratched the surface. It might not have. However, I feel like a big block has been moved out of the way that helps me glimpse the light of possibility far more often than I used to be able to. I know it can't be totally ascribed to my change of space, as the last few months have served as a reminder that happiness is not guaranteed even in the best of circumstances. It really is that I am able to align myself with joy lately, and that is giving me the energy I need to get things done.
Brain flash: the energy I was missing is not ever going to be generated inside of me. I need to connect to the source.
That'll do.
1.09.2009
Messy is so relative.
I really don't want to contribute to the atmosphere of fear anymore.
It used to be that being anxious all the time was reserved for a select few. Even after our country was attacked by a bunch of extremists, people settled down pretty quickly and for the most part, felt safe. The smart ones did, anyway. But now? It's in the air. It's punching holes in our economy. Advertising agencies and politicians alike are exploiting it.
Strangely, I feel removed from that fear. Of course, and I am working on having some perspective on this, I am not all that invested in our economy. I am not "losing" anything. Well, that is not true. My own investments are nosediving steadily, worth half at the end of 2008 what they were in 2007. I also spent a few frustrating months trying to fight against fate and get a job, and now I'm happily "unemployed," earning just enough money to keep our heads above water. Of course, if anything big happens, I have my parents there to back me up. Not a lot of people have that. But even if I didn't have that... what would the use be in fearing the future? It hasn't helped me at all so far in the little things, so why would I trust something as iffy as my financial future to fear?
Nothing good ever comes from negative energy.
It used to be that being anxious all the time was reserved for a select few. Even after our country was attacked by a bunch of extremists, people settled down pretty quickly and for the most part, felt safe. The smart ones did, anyway. But now? It's in the air. It's punching holes in our economy. Advertising agencies and politicians alike are exploiting it.
Strangely, I feel removed from that fear. Of course, and I am working on having some perspective on this, I am not all that invested in our economy. I am not "losing" anything. Well, that is not true. My own investments are nosediving steadily, worth half at the end of 2008 what they were in 2007. I also spent a few frustrating months trying to fight against fate and get a job, and now I'm happily "unemployed," earning just enough money to keep our heads above water. Of course, if anything big happens, I have my parents there to back me up. Not a lot of people have that. But even if I didn't have that... what would the use be in fearing the future? It hasn't helped me at all so far in the little things, so why would I trust something as iffy as my financial future to fear?
Nothing good ever comes from negative energy.
1.08.2009
This and that.
Just a short one tonight.
I flitted around today, since my energy was only coming in short bursts. I made some progress on the house, but it is interesting how my routines fell apart so quickly and now everything is messy again.
But definitely not as dirty as it could be!
So I got a lot done, but still no reading and no practice today. That migraine really sidetracked my whole week. I still had a headache when I woke up this morning, but now it's pretty much gone. Lots of tension in my neck and shoulders, though.
I'm not going to push it. More tomorrow.
I flitted around today, since my energy was only coming in short bursts. I made some progress on the house, but it is interesting how my routines fell apart so quickly and now everything is messy again.
But definitely not as dirty as it could be!
So I got a lot done, but still no reading and no practice today. That migraine really sidetracked my whole week. I still had a headache when I woke up this morning, but now it's pretty much gone. Lots of tension in my neck and shoulders, though.
I'm not going to push it. More tomorrow.
1.07.2009
Excuses, excuses.
OK, so I totally have an excuse for not writing yesterday.
Migraine. Uggghhh.
Does that mean that June is going to suck?
Anyway, so yesterday was spent mostly sleeping. In between violent bouts of puking and begging for some sort of divine assistance. I will withhold the rest of the details.
So in comes today, with all of its pain-free (almost) potential. Of course, the day after a migraine always feels like a hangover, minus the fun part the night before. I guess I technically started my day at 3am, when I woke up after a marathon thirteen hours of sleeping after giving up the day before at 11am (I was technically out of bed for an hour, during which I drove to Silverdale to pick up Zack. I won't consider it sleeping, but I won't really consider it awake either.) I laid awake for about thirty five minutes, trying to fall back to sleep so I wouldn't completely lose my sleep schedule for today. I eventually did, but the time in between was full of tossing and turning with respites of petting the Moose.
I woke up again around 5:30, but managed to squeeze in another hour after I passed that magical time during which my body actually wants to be awake in the morning. I finally hauled out of bed after Zack was done with his shower, and I spent a relatively quiet morning in front of ER (Galant died today) and Las Vegas (they are still unraveling the post-Monica robbery) before taking another opportunity to mourn the loss of my 10am King of the Hill. OK, so I watch too much TV when Zack is at school. It's not so much that I watch it, but I like to have the verbal company while I'm alone all day. The kitties provide a warm heartbeat, but they don't speak. Anyway, while the television was on in the background, I managed to do some much-needed work for Subha as well as make some serious progress on my application to massage school. I did not know it would be so involved, but I guess it kind of makes me feel better that it is. I like the idea of going back to a school where I have to write an essay to get in.
After I ate some lunch (veggie chili, yum), I decided to relax for awhile. Truthfully, I don't really remember what I did between 12:30 and 2:30, but my best guess is languishing in front of the TV while browsing the web, or continuing to plug away at my application. Then I called AAA to get Bad Bad Leroy Brown's battery jumped (that would be Zack's Chevy s10, by the way), and an hour later a very nice man showed up to help me out. I will definitely not mind paying my yearly membership this month, that's for damn sure. Pays for itself every year, it seems. It would be nice to not get into so many scrapes... but where would the fun be in that? After that, I was pretty bushed, so I have been pretty much in the same position since then: curled up in a pappazan chair with a kitty (or two!) and watching TV while reading humorous test drive notes from the Car Talk website. God I love those guys. Blasphemously so.
So what is my big aha moment for today? Maybe that nothing is going to be perfect. So maybe June is going to be a big migraine, and July will be a lazy, yet productive month. I think I can be OK with that, provided that my whole month is not as bad the whole way through as yesterday was. Or hopefully this experiment will be an epic failure. Does it really matter? I'll make it through anyway. Stuff doesn't really get worse, it just gets different until I look back on it.
Migraine. Uggghhh.
Does that mean that June is going to suck?
Anyway, so yesterday was spent mostly sleeping. In between violent bouts of puking and begging for some sort of divine assistance. I will withhold the rest of the details.
So in comes today, with all of its pain-free (almost) potential. Of course, the day after a migraine always feels like a hangover, minus the fun part the night before. I guess I technically started my day at 3am, when I woke up after a marathon thirteen hours of sleeping after giving up the day before at 11am (I was technically out of bed for an hour, during which I drove to Silverdale to pick up Zack. I won't consider it sleeping, but I won't really consider it awake either.) I laid awake for about thirty five minutes, trying to fall back to sleep so I wouldn't completely lose my sleep schedule for today. I eventually did, but the time in between was full of tossing and turning with respites of petting the Moose.
I woke up again around 5:30, but managed to squeeze in another hour after I passed that magical time during which my body actually wants to be awake in the morning. I finally hauled out of bed after Zack was done with his shower, and I spent a relatively quiet morning in front of ER (Galant died today) and Las Vegas (they are still unraveling the post-Monica robbery) before taking another opportunity to mourn the loss of my 10am King of the Hill. OK, so I watch too much TV when Zack is at school. It's not so much that I watch it, but I like to have the verbal company while I'm alone all day. The kitties provide a warm heartbeat, but they don't speak. Anyway, while the television was on in the background, I managed to do some much-needed work for Subha as well as make some serious progress on my application to massage school. I did not know it would be so involved, but I guess it kind of makes me feel better that it is. I like the idea of going back to a school where I have to write an essay to get in.
After I ate some lunch (veggie chili, yum), I decided to relax for awhile. Truthfully, I don't really remember what I did between 12:30 and 2:30, but my best guess is languishing in front of the TV while browsing the web, or continuing to plug away at my application. Then I called AAA to get Bad Bad Leroy Brown's battery jumped (that would be Zack's Chevy s10, by the way), and an hour later a very nice man showed up to help me out. I will definitely not mind paying my yearly membership this month, that's for damn sure. Pays for itself every year, it seems. It would be nice to not get into so many scrapes... but where would the fun be in that? After that, I was pretty bushed, so I have been pretty much in the same position since then: curled up in a pappazan chair with a kitty (or two!) and watching TV while reading humorous test drive notes from the Car Talk website. God I love those guys. Blasphemously so.
So what is my big aha moment for today? Maybe that nothing is going to be perfect. So maybe June is going to be a big migraine, and July will be a lazy, yet productive month. I think I can be OK with that, provided that my whole month is not as bad the whole way through as yesterday was. Or hopefully this experiment will be an epic failure. Does it really matter? I'll make it through anyway. Stuff doesn't really get worse, it just gets different until I look back on it.
1.05.2009
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