I'd like to say that this is an "aha" moment, and in some ways it feels like one.
But, to me, an "aha" moment should be bathed in surprise. It implies something you never thought of before. Since I have had this thought many times, in many different ways, I am not surprised by it in the least bit. "Duh" moment sounds a little too harsh though, since it lacks recognition that this is a deep lesson for me to learn that pervades the layers of my being.
Feeling the need to push, to achieve, in every area of my life is overshadowing the joy that I could be feeling at any given moment. This is especially true when all of the pushing, the judgment, and the stress ultimately leads to failure. No wonder I am so exhausted all the time. The thing is, I have never had enough faith in myself that I could get something done without going through this whole process. That's what hard work is, right?
Not anymore.
I believe that my new roadmap to productivity of any sort should start with a blank slate. No pressure to complete the task perfectly, or even well, is required. With the absence of the mind chatter that is involved to dream up these unattainable standards, I can rely faithfully on my intuition and grace in order to get things done.
This thought came to mind while I was thinking about practicing this morning. I was very much looking forward to my meditation as a way to continue the relatively centered feeling of the morning, but when I thought about straightening up the interesting shape my spine is trying to form with a little yoga, my mood instantly turned a little sour. This has been happening frequently as of late, which is surprising because my reaction used to be in favor of asana over meditation. Since I found myself in a peaceful mood anyway, my knee-jerk reaction was tempered by a desire to watch the emotion unfold without immediately drumming up a response.
As I allowed myself to feel this resistance fully without getting absorbed by it, I realized that this familiar, dark cloud was really fear of failure. Since I had my first inkling that I might want to join teacher training with Robin, there was a running commentary in my head that I needed to transform into this other being in order to be "successful" at yoga. Since then, I have felt similar "aha" moments to the one I am having right now: this continuous desire to wriggle out of my own skin and adopt the habits and mentalities of a completely different person is just not helpful. This is especially true when the pressure to transform is so great that I can barely wash my face in the morning without having a huge heart attack about not getting it done.
What's really true is that I am capable of walking over to the bathroom and getting ready this morning. After that, I am capable of enjoying a full and intelligently crafted yoga practice, complete with ten minutes of meditation to close. After that, I will read a chapter of Energy Anatomy. Then it will be time to get to work, and I am certainly capable of complete the meager todo list I have so far. If I have to add a few things, that will be OK too. And if I don't get it all done, there's always tomorrow.
I am also capable of doing these things without fear as a motivator.
om shanti.
3.02.2009
3.01.2009
January and February - Cultivating Quiet
Hi blog.
2009 is off to an interesting start. Despite my zealous leap into the "New Year," there have not been any huge shifts in behavior to report.
No, I take that back.
At the end of January, my mom and I went on retreat to Aldermarsh on Whidbey Island with Karen and her friend who owns Discover Yoga in Redmond. The bhavana of the retreat was moving towards silence, which turned out to be absolutely perfect for me. In the opening circle, I drew an intention card that read something to the effect of, "Pay attention to the things that you tend to pull away from." I habitually pull away from silence, which very much affects the deeper levels of my practice. In theory, I love to practice because it feels so good and fills me with joy. The catch: I usually dread getting out the mat and sitting on it. My system is so often on constant overwhelm from the amount of noise I consume that it is difficult for me to imagine quiet, let alone settle into it.
So, after this retreat, I started meditating every day. Instead of setting the idea in my head that I had to start with 15 minutes (because clearly nothing shorter is worth my time?), I started with five. Five minutes was totally doable--a little short, even. So I moved to six after a few days. Then seven. And so on. Despite being sick, and despite my track record in general, I am now up to ten minutes. Ten enjoyable, delectable minutes of silence. I look forward to it most days, and even if I'm not jumping at the opportunity, I recognize the need for this time to myself. It's hard to put away the constant chatter in my head still, but I am getting closer to letting go of the attachment to it. It is now labeled "noise," and nothing else. Mostly.
Despite this huge accomplishment, the judgment fairy is still hanging onto my back for dear life. She's the inner roommate that I need to kick out once and for all. If I don't do something completely right, she's there, telling me how useless I am, and how I will never be able to do everything right like everyone else.
Yes, it looks ridiculous to me when I type it, but I buy right in when I'm thinking it.
The other day, I thought about not worrying. I forget what my brain was chewing over, but it was something worrisome. In the middle of the thought, I asked myself: what would it be like to let this worry go temporarily? It was so not relevant at the moment, and it felt so absolutely liberating to let it go. If only I could always remember to interrupt this thought process. I am coming more to terms with the fact that this constant anxiety/depression is not a healthy, normal reaction to stressful stimuli, and it almost always makes things so much worse.
Faith. I'm working on it. Even though things somedays may feel so much worse than they did a few years ago, I know that I am actually doing better now than I was then. I am mindful of the pattern, and I am slowly unraveling the train of thought that is so locked in to my daily life. Like bodywork, this is revealing some particularly painful areas for me--and some things are hurting for days or weeks on end, lately. This is true physically as well as mentally. February was particuarly active in this respect--many layers of myself totally purged through almost two weeks of illness. I didn't do myself many favors diet-wise during this since I was too sick to go through the effort of preparing nourishing food. So I'm still pretty stuck, but I'm feeling better than I was.
And in the middle of all of that, Zack and I got engaged :) So I have this particular set of tasks to attend to that bring me great joy, but keep me stuck in front of the computer a lot... which brings me back to my usual habits. I want the wedding to reflect our love of nature, especially that of the Pacific Northwest... so I think I should make it a point to go outside a lot for natural inspiration. And how fitting that one of my reading assignments for March is Walden & Essays by Thoreau. Hopefully I will motivate myself to actually read this month.
I hate television. It's not quiet by any stretch of the imagination. The rain is so much nicer. It is a quiet sound.
March is going to be a good month.
2009 is off to an interesting start. Despite my zealous leap into the "New Year," there have not been any huge shifts in behavior to report.
No, I take that back.
At the end of January, my mom and I went on retreat to Aldermarsh on Whidbey Island with Karen and her friend who owns Discover Yoga in Redmond. The bhavana of the retreat was moving towards silence, which turned out to be absolutely perfect for me. In the opening circle, I drew an intention card that read something to the effect of, "Pay attention to the things that you tend to pull away from." I habitually pull away from silence, which very much affects the deeper levels of my practice. In theory, I love to practice because it feels so good and fills me with joy. The catch: I usually dread getting out the mat and sitting on it. My system is so often on constant overwhelm from the amount of noise I consume that it is difficult for me to imagine quiet, let alone settle into it.
So, after this retreat, I started meditating every day. Instead of setting the idea in my head that I had to start with 15 minutes (because clearly nothing shorter is worth my time?), I started with five. Five minutes was totally doable--a little short, even. So I moved to six after a few days. Then seven. And so on. Despite being sick, and despite my track record in general, I am now up to ten minutes. Ten enjoyable, delectable minutes of silence. I look forward to it most days, and even if I'm not jumping at the opportunity, I recognize the need for this time to myself. It's hard to put away the constant chatter in my head still, but I am getting closer to letting go of the attachment to it. It is now labeled "noise," and nothing else. Mostly.
Despite this huge accomplishment, the judgment fairy is still hanging onto my back for dear life. She's the inner roommate that I need to kick out once and for all. If I don't do something completely right, she's there, telling me how useless I am, and how I will never be able to do everything right like everyone else.
Yes, it looks ridiculous to me when I type it, but I buy right in when I'm thinking it.
The other day, I thought about not worrying. I forget what my brain was chewing over, but it was something worrisome. In the middle of the thought, I asked myself: what would it be like to let this worry go temporarily? It was so not relevant at the moment, and it felt so absolutely liberating to let it go. If only I could always remember to interrupt this thought process. I am coming more to terms with the fact that this constant anxiety/depression is not a healthy, normal reaction to stressful stimuli, and it almost always makes things so much worse.
Faith. I'm working on it. Even though things somedays may feel so much worse than they did a few years ago, I know that I am actually doing better now than I was then. I am mindful of the pattern, and I am slowly unraveling the train of thought that is so locked in to my daily life. Like bodywork, this is revealing some particularly painful areas for me--and some things are hurting for days or weeks on end, lately. This is true physically as well as mentally. February was particuarly active in this respect--many layers of myself totally purged through almost two weeks of illness. I didn't do myself many favors diet-wise during this since I was too sick to go through the effort of preparing nourishing food. So I'm still pretty stuck, but I'm feeling better than I was.
And in the middle of all of that, Zack and I got engaged :) So I have this particular set of tasks to attend to that bring me great joy, but keep me stuck in front of the computer a lot... which brings me back to my usual habits. I want the wedding to reflect our love of nature, especially that of the Pacific Northwest... so I think I should make it a point to go outside a lot for natural inspiration. And how fitting that one of my reading assignments for March is Walden & Essays by Thoreau. Hopefully I will motivate myself to actually read this month.
I hate television. It's not quiet by any stretch of the imagination. The rain is so much nicer. It is a quiet sound.
March is going to be a good month.
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