Without mind

I do a great many things every day mindlessly, and it's only when faced with the possibility of pain that I stop to realize what I'm doing! Funny that I just taught a workshop called "Disengaging Autopilot." I won't be recycling that one. The workshop was good, the name was not.

Anyway, back to my movement without mind. I just wanted to record that I jumped on the couch and instantly sat in position for Ardha Matseyendrasana, which was not a good idea to say the least. Anyway, just for the record.

Inspiration

Benefiting from inspiration requires trusting that it will happen. It's funny... I have complete trust that my next inhale will just follow my exhale, but I don't have that faith when it comes to knowing the answer to something.

Inspiration is inspiration, right?

Wanting to control everything is very tiring! I have everything in life sorted according to likes and dislikes, which are devised arbitrarily according to the whims of my constantly changing mind. Yet, I trust my mind's ability to make these decisions even though I don't trust anything else to happen beyond my control. I was reading in The Wisdom of Yoga" about the ego and its desire to self-preserve at all costs. That explains why I struggle with my efforts to lessen its stranglehold on my actions.

Maybe I need to be just as faithful that I can compassionately change these patterns as I am that the air I need will come into my lungs.

Tune Up

I have lots of thoughts that get to something at the core, but they get lost in translation! It often seems like I have to fix everything to acheive the depth of understanding that I get a glimpse of every once in awhile. Oddly enough, sometimes it is when I am not treating myself well at all that I get the most productive thought processes. I think Denise was right. My life needs to calm down a little bit before I can really go through the necessary shift that is coming.

Pause!

Maybe I can just be enthusiastic about who I am instead of being unenthusiastic about who I think I should be. Like... living in the moment, right? Vairagyam. It's not just getting myself to the mat every morning. I think I get the idea of energy depletion now. It's not that I'm glued in to one place, I just am not expanding the flow of energy. That's why I like the tuning forks--I feel like they give my energy a nice jump, but a part of me knows that I can generate that myself. It comes from all layers of my being.

Pranayama has definitely affected more than just my energy level, but I want to focus on that right now. Since I have developed the physical capacity to take a deep inhale, I have a valuable tool to work with to affect the pranic layer with a brhmana quality. Right now, my body is deciding that the exhale rules the roost though, and I respect that. In fact, I just took a 10-second exhale through my slightly pursed lips with a 2-3 second hold afterwards. I didn't mean to, but since it is my natural rhythm of breath right now I decided to take a count.

I think my body is more in tune with regulating the sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system, which is definitely tied into my focus on energy for the past eight months. I feel gratitude for the opportunity to work in the community that I do so I can nurture my calling to go deeper. My pranayama practice these past weeks has certainly contributed to it and has blossomed into a deeper understanding of what I am learning to practice and teach.

And, of course, it all comes back to generating enthusiasm on all levels. I think it's time for some physical practice.

Ode to Dreadlocks

O dreadlocks,
warmer of my head
for better or worse
long snakes
or rope
my dreadlocks.

O dreadlocks,
labor
of
love
much love

O dreadlocks,
sometimes the past
hurts my neck
too much.

O dreadlocks,
Without you
I will not be
too little.

In the thick of it

It is very tiring wishing you were somewhere else all the time. It's not that I'm ever particularly sad about what I am doing, but sometimes I want so badly to be doing something else that it makes whatever I am trying to do unbearable. Take today for instance... Monday is my long day. I work from 8:30 am to 9:30 pm at two separate jobs. Having two part-time jobs sucks because you are still just a part-time employee of both places so no one thinks you do very much in either place. Nor do you have time to really do anything meaningful, at or outside work.

I am endeavoring to teach, but I'm running into this wall again of not getting my work done in a fashion that makes it meaningful and thus useful rather than rushed and parroted. I need to feel more comfortable being present in any given moment, but it seems that every time I sit down to do something that involves my full attention I instantly want something on in the background to entertain me. The very idea of teaching for an hour makes me think dreadful thoughts because I just don't want to concentrate on any one thing for that long.

I am so exhausted! I'm running around in circles spending all this energy for no reason. The least I could do for myself is make it a meaningful and enriching experience. OK. Intention for tomorrow: be more present, especially with unpleasant thoughts.

I had a lovely meditation tonight at the Yoga Barn with Franca, but I can feel the effects starting to wear off as I sit in front of the computer and read nasty things on the internet--child molestation, war, it can all be very upsetting and overwhelming. I can feel my heart closing over itself again, saying "no, I'm not dealing with this." It numbs out. I find myself wanting to change the subject to why something outside is upsetting me, but I know that it comes from the inside.

Franca's card tonight said that I should allow myself time to heal. I feel like I want to slip into victim mode as a way of fulfilling that for myself, but I know that is not what was meant. I need to open up, but allow myself to do so in a gradual way that will not cause everything to just close up again. I keep butting my head up against the same wall, but no amount of skull-bashing is going to tear it down. I think my next step is not bashing my head against the wall.

With that, I am going to take a bath.

eight minutes

I am pausing between cleaning and ER to write a short journal entry. I spent most of today with my dad in Seattle and Issaquah, first at the boat show at Qwest Field and then on to errands in Issaquah at Target and The Grange and then onto lunch at The 12th Street Cafe. We had lots of fun looking at all the different boats, and I think we settled on one particularly comfy looking Smokercraft that has nice swivel chairs and a Honda motor that my dad liked. Boats are expensive! They had some boats there that were probably a million dollars--the three story yachts (which I will never pronounce properly again; thank you, John Traylor).

It feels harder to track where my thoughts are coming from when I am having a good time. I am much more apt to start questioning my thoughts when they are unpleasant; however, it is when we think we are satisfied that we are setting ourselves up for the worst suffering, right? Vipariyaya. Mine was very evident when I was having a political discussion with my dad today. It is apparent that I know very little except what I can regurgitate from the left-wing media blather. I'm sure that my dad feels the same way about his right-leaning tendencies. That's what makes our conversations so utterly interesting and useless all at the same time.

I still don't know how you know you know yet.

Or do I?

Building and building... and building

Well, I think that dead spot has been awakened. We were observing each other today and then shared our findings after lunch. I was given some very helpful pointers from my classmates and from Robin. That "dead spot" is just totally collapsed so I don't have space to feel anything--front and back. It's just behind the solarplexus that I get those sharp stabbing pains when I try to "sit up straight." No wonder! I've been either totally slouching and compressing the front or collapsing into my swayback, and it's everywhere! The big awakening was in Virabhadrasana I. Robin tied my scarf around my waist and told me to lengthen that area on both the front and the back. It's not a back and forth motion, it's a lifting motion.

It's exhausting. This is the point where I need to make a commitment, where it gets hard. I can't just shy away from what I need to do.

Speaking of buckling down and putting my nose to the grindstone, I have a ton of homework to do over the next three weeks! I have to read two chapters in both Anatomy Trains and Anatomy of Hatha Yoga, and then I can start my Anatomy Coloring Book. That's just my anatomy work! I have to keep reading Yoga for Transformation and Bringing Yoga to Life, create three sequences for myself (Deep Front Line & Arm Lines, preparing the body for Urdhva Dhanurasana, and a practice to get myself to the point that I can do 20 good marches in bridge pose) as well as a sequence for Danae. Last but not least, we're expected to get very serious about observation and eventually assisting. I'm also supposed to be ready to sub soon! Things are getting pretty serious here, and I have to step up to the challenge.

I think that's right knowledge. How do I know? I don't think you can ever truly "know." That's the beauty of having an open point of view. You can try your best to follow what you think is right, but you have to be ready to take in new information with an open and balanced point of view at any given time. I was thinking before that right knowledge came from physically knowing something (like through direct experience), but I have learned that even all experiences are not totally reliable. You can only act on the information you have at the time using the tools that are accessible to you. As long as you keep an open mind and don't constrict yourself from hearing other viewpoints, you are open to realizing that your beliefs are incorrect knowledge.

How do you come to this realization without knowing what correct knowledge is, though?

Oh boy, this one is going to take some marinating. Right know, I know that I don't know. Maybe that is the key. When you know you don't know, you'll know when you know.

(Brilliant.)

omfg i love chocolate

Today was one of those days that left me wondering what I was supposed to learn from it. We did a practice that explored the deep front line and the arm line and it opened something up in my solarplexus that I am busy filling with chocolate while I am numbing my brain with television. That I do know. It's interesting how you can know something but not do anything about it. Is that vipariyaya instead?

I can't identify what kind of vrttis I am operating under when I am feeling like I did at the end of class today. I don't know where it comes from and...

I'm zoned out. Maybe tomorrow.

Practice.

Robin gave us an interesting exercise to take home today. We are supposed to identify which of the five types of vrttis (correct knowledge, incorrect knowledge, conceptualization, sleep, memory) we are displaying at various points during the day. During class, I was playing around with this idea. When I was asked to teach in front of three of my peers, I was able to use this tool to step back and look at what I was feeling instead of just feeling it. I was conceptualizing about the experience I was about to have because of my perceived incorrect knowledge. That's a pattern that is not exclusive to teaching in front of my peers. I lose out on many experiences because I'm too nervous or scared to deal with them.

I'm missing out! The experience I had teaching today was actually really educational. I got a lot more out of it than if I was listening to Robin tell us how to teach. That is because the best way of attaining correct knowlege is through direct experience. Today's direct experience taught me a few things that I need to work on with my teaching:

I have to hone in on my languaging, particularly regarding parts of my own body that I tend to ignore.
My verbs need nouns. Stretch... what? Your arms.
Stabilize the low back with the exhale.
Know your practice and do your practice.

The practice I taught today started with chakravkasana, moved onto a kneeling lunge--first just breathing arms up and down, then drawing the back foot up towards the the low back to provide a fuller superficial front line stretch--then had then come up into warrior I with arms extended upwards. The focus of the practice was dancer's pose, which we held for four breaths on each side. Then came uttansansa, which was an excellent counterpose, then apanasana. My students loved the sequence, it was just that I forgot to tell them to stabilize their low backs and didn't exactly talk them through the experience in a descriptive fashion. All in all though, it was a good experience and I did a decent job teaching them. The downfalls of my style were certainly drawbacks, but it seemed like everyone had a good experience. The sequence helped a lot with that. It was a very safe way to approach the pose so even though Ellen hung in her low back, she was able to stretch it out before svasana and therefore avoided any discomfort.

So all in all, it was a good day. Right now I feel fulfilled because I am coming closer to having correct knowledge about teaching. I don't think I've felt this able to have the answers in a long time.

Numbed out.

I set out to write this entry about breathing through a difficult feeling, using the breath as a metronome to keep space in a heated situation like I read in Bringing Yoga to Life the other day. Much to my chagrin, it is not a magic smoke that takes the feeling away. I'm here with it. As my breath gets deeper, I penetrate through what I'm feeling into the deep layers of samskaras that it is originating from.

Now it feels a little better.

I am tired of being unhappy all the time. I am tired of always wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to live in the future, wanting to live in the past. It gives me a headache. It gets stuck in my gut and feels like silly putty fills my organs. It's a numb, swampy feeling. I can get rid of it temporarily, but who has time for that? I come home so tired from sitting all day that I can't move.

Numb.

I'm sailing through life waiting to reach some future point and it's no secret, but I love where I am.

Numb again. Good night.