Forgetting

Forgetting what's most important to me is like leaning on my elbows simply because I don't feel like holding myself up. I shouldn't be so hard on myself though... being lazy is a samskara that is very, very deep. I get caught up in the rest of my life (where there is a lot to be wrapped up in) and I just forget. How can I keep from doing that? How can I keep from screaming at people on the road again or forgetting to write in my journal?

Tapas.

And the only way that tapas is going to remain a constant in my life is through hard work and dedication. That's another samskara--not being truly dedicated to anything. Perhaps if I focus my attention on breaking that one, or the laziness one, I can get deeper into what I'm really trying to solve. The problem is, I jump from samskara to samskara without truly concentrating on any one of them. That's what I need to focus on--dedication. I need to dedicate myself to something and just stick to it, wading through the dvesa and raga to get to what I know I need to do. It's purely my choice, I just have to make it.

Now to make that experiential knowledge instead of just conceptualizing it. I have to live it.

T-i-r-e-d

The anger thing has been going fairly well. I got mad at some lady yesterday who was driving a big truck and almost sideswiped me in Bellevue. I have been trying not to use foul language and hand gestures when I get miffed at people while driving, but yesterday that didn't work so well. When I get angry and react that way, I release that anger out into the world. Is that what I want to be doing to the energy in my own body and on a planetary level? Not really. Perhaps I should add that to my repertoire of "reasons not to get angry." It is helpful to bring up these thoughts when I start to get mad, because it really is a choice and not just a knee-jerk reaction. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I am exhausted.

On the road again...

So it's late again, and again I don't feel like writing. So I will write a little bit.

There was a lady on the road today that was driving very inconsiderately. In fact, she even flipped me the bird without much provocation. I guess that was a nice mirror into what I might look like--although I maintain that I my driving skills are worlds better than what she was exhibiting this afternoon. Anyway, I managed to keep my anger down to a dull annoyance. It took a little breathing and a lot of patience, but in the end I felt much better for it.

Goodnight.

An end and a beginning

Advanced studies ended today. I don't have the energy to write a long post, but I thought I'd commemorate the occasion. During our closing circle, I told everyone that I was terrified to join Advanced Studies at first. They were all completely suprised that I had such anxiety! That says something interesting... but it's 11:05 and I have to return to the real world tomorrow. So goodnight.

Day 8

Well, yesterday did not go so well. Zack and I had a huge argument in the morning that started with him getting up on time to feed the cats and ended with us having a loud and heated discussion about responsibility and each others' flaws. That's usually where our arguments end up. I internalized that anger so much that I still have a headache from it.

I recognize that I could have started out the morning much differently by not mentioning his getting up ten minutes late in the first place. I don't even think that's what I was screaming at him about. I think what finally set me off to that point was his lack of recognition that I had a valid reason to be angry.

Wasn't I supposed to be realizing that as part of this exercise? That my anger is never well placed because I identify with it way too much? I think my problem here is going back to asmita. I was so convinced yesterday that I was right and he was wrong that I put myself through turmoil just to fail at proving that.

Asmita. Asmita. Asmita.

Day 7

Well, today was not quite so successful. I'm happy to report, however, that instead of beating myself up for getting angry at people (and there were quite a few), I'm going to walk away from the day looking at it as a learning experience. First, I want to make a list of the people I got mad at today.

1. Lisa - for being chronically late
2. Mom - for bugging Zack and I about flea powder
3. Zack - for sitting around all day not doing anything

So I don't like people being inconsiderate, disrespectful, or lazy. What I need to remember is that at some point, I fit all three of those descriptions. I have certainly conceptualized this, but how can I put it into practice when my horomones are hopping up and down and I'm just having a plain old bad day? I know that this morning I was really helped by focusing inwards during the asana practice. In fact, I forgot all about my mood in general during that practice, and I felt great afterwards. It wasn't until after I left Robin's and was in the car that I got mad at my mom about the flea powder thing. I think that I should start to recognize what can make me more predisposed to getting angry and then maybe do some asana or just some breathing or something that will make me more able to deal with my mind's feelings. I should try and think of some things that can help me do this, because otherwise I will continue to let anger rule my life.

Day 6

Today was a nice day. We went for a walking meditation this morning that was absolutely wonderful, and then we did restoratives all morning. Dinner was also lovely. About 10 people ended up coming--we all had good conversation and even better food.

Other than that, I didn't really get mad at Zack today. In fact, I gave my dad some insight at the breakfast table this morning about what I've been doing over the last week that has helped me to not get so angry at people. I think it helped him. All in all, this has been a successful experience for me. Of course, I know that I need to stay vigilant... this week has been so relaxing that it hasn't been overly challenging to not get mad at people. I need to stay on top of this--perhaps I'll even try to write in my journal for more than just a week. Well, we'll see :).

Day 5

Well, I haven't really had time to be angry at Zack today! I did gain some insight into how I can relate to people that might make me feel angry though! We were studying sutra 2.20 today and I was reading some commentary on it by Sri Swami Satchinanda. He says...

Through yogic thinking we can see the entire humanity as our own. We can embrace all without any exceptions. Even the worst sinner will be loved by us because we ourselves were once sinners

This is a nice pratipaksha. I feel like I can be a compassionate person if I have some understanding of what another is going through, even if they are ticking me off a little bit. What I have been having trouble with is failing to see the connection between myself and every other living creature. I need to remember that, at some point during some lifetime (or even this one), I've been where they've been. Regardless of whether it's stupidity or hatred or whatever, there's a connection between me and that person. Not only are we the same at our core, but I've been where they are before. I used this idea a few times when I was on the road, and I made it from Fall City to Issaquah and back without getting angry at anyone. I'll report back on how this works with Zack.

Day 4

Raga, raga, raga.

Anyway...

Class went pretty well today. I got home and Zack and I left to go to the chiropractor's so I could get adjusted (muuuuch better!). I think the only time I got mad at him today was during a discussion we were having about the difference between men and women. He always picks tiny little parts of my sentence to pick apart instead of the whole argument! I got mad and pointed it out to him, so he got defensive. Instead of continuing the argument though, I ended it. I changed the steps of the dance! Sometimes there's not much more I can do... I'm not at a point where I can just not respond to something that makes me angry.

The way to fix that is to recognize that the Seer is seperate from the Seen. I am not my anger! I can choose whether to react or not. What I really need to do is find ways to react to something that bothers me without the drama. That's the next step in altering the dance.

Day 3

Well, I think today went slightly better than yesterday... maybe it's just because I am too exhausted to be angry! I only went there twice--once was on the road and once was at Zack. I know I set out to just tackle my samskara surrounding Zack, but I think it would be useful to explore both incidents.

The first one didn't come until about 4pm today. Of course, I was at the Yoga Barn pretty much the whole time, but there were definitely a few times between getting out of the Intensive and 4pm that I could have become angry. I did get angry at someone on the highway today though. 1)She was pacing people in the left lane. 2)She was from Texas (no offense Texas people, but Texas drivers are pretty damn annoying) 3)I was a little late for work. I didn't flip her off and honk at her though... and to my credit, I tried really hard to be nice about it before I really got angry. So there's some progress! I think I'm still a little mad about it though, which is kind of silly. I need to let it go--that's a lot of energy spent on one neglectful driver. That's a technique I need to work on... because I'm still convinced that I'm right! Asmita, asmita, asmita. For the people that I didn't get mad at, however, I worked on remembering that we're all the same parusha on the inside. That did help, but I need to work on remembering that about people that I can't necessarily relate to.

That's actually a good way to transition into talking about being angry at Zack. He called the Yoga Barn and told me he might not be home when I got home because he went to Bellevue to hang out with Dave. That's really fine with me, and I'm not sure why I got so frustrated. It was probably that I was a little jealous that he's out having fun while I'm at work (although it's not like I want to be out exercising my vices with him and Dave anyway!). There's a little avidya/raga for you.

Well, I think it's time for me to be hittin' the old dusty trail. I'm exhausted!

Day 2

Today was very topsy turvy. I had a fairly good day at Robin's, but there was something a little off with me throughout. Practice this morning was hard for me. I know it was supposed to be challenging, but I wasn't even getting the satisfaction throughout of being challenged. I think I was tired (and without protein), so I couldn't really connect to that inner fountain of good feelings that I can usually find during a yoga practice. I did realize during the meditation after our asana practice, however, that I am more controlled by pleasure than pain. I do an okay job at "making myself" do things that I experience a slight aversion to, but when it comes to denying myself things that I feel attached to I'm not so diligent.

That brings me to my anger that I'm bringing tapas to. I decided that I would break my fast at dinner tonight, so when I got home from yoga at 4:30 I was very focused on what my meal was going to be. My mind was craving Enchiladas Suiza from El Coparal. I knew deep down somewhere (nagging doubt/guilt feeling) that my body disagreed with that assessment, but I was so close to following my mind's whim that Zack and I were almost in the car before I changed my mind. I decided that a salad would be a much better choice, but making that choice caused feelings of anger and frustration to well up inside me that I just couldn't control. I snapped at Zack and my mother before angrily cutting my salad and sitting down to eat it. It was, in fact, exactly what my body needed. I even had a little potato salad afterwards, which was too much for me... imagine sitting down to two enchiladas and rice AND beans! Forget the chips and salsa!

I'm glad that I made the right decision, but I am honestly a little frustrated that I had to go through all that "drama" to get there. I shouldn't beat myself up though... I should look and see what I can do differently in the future. In the article "Overcoming Fear" by Phil Nuemberger, I read that "when our desires are frustrated, we often feel angry, but underneath the anger is the fear that we won't get what we think we need." That is obviously what was going on with me tonight. My mind was truly convinced that I needed enchiladas suizas or else my body wouldn't be satisified. When my better judgment took over and said "no, salad will be just fine," my mind got flat out angry because it was truly afraid of letting go of that attachment. Obviously this goes back to "raga," the attachment to things that my mind thinks my body needs for sustenance. In fact, my body needs a few basic things, but due to all the excess I surround myself with my mind is convinced otherwise.

That's where the anger came from tonight. It makes sense that I was having trouble last night deciding which particular seed my anger was coming from. I don't think that there is necessarily a particular place because it erupts in response to many different things. Instead, it seems that my mind is very defensive when it comes to comfort levels. I should be more mindful of what sets that off to truly see how I can erase that pesky samskara from my daily habits.

Samskara

As part of my Advanced Studies July intensive, Robin suggested that we pick a samskara that we would like to work on. We're supposed to journal about our experiences over the next nine days. Here goes...

I picked getting angry at Zack. It's definitely a deep samskara, and it's not only Zack that I get angry at, but I'll work on that one first. I have a low patience threshold and I'm (a little) controlling. When things don't go my way, I get angry and I direct that anger at the person that I feel is causing it. That's not the only reason I get angry, but it's the main reason I get angry at Zack. I have expectations that don't get fulfilled.

Which klesha does this angry plant sprout from?

Well, as I look over my list... this one's a doozy. I think the main culprit here is asmita--identification with the ego. I think I'm right all the time (at least more than I think Zack is right), and that causes me to feel slighted when he does something that doesn't jive with my opinion. For example, he likes to sit around and play video games for hours on end when it's a beautiful day outside. Sometimes I get really frustrated with him because I think that he's doing his health a disservice by staying in the basement and escaping himself through computer-related entertainment. When I do that, I feel guilty about it and know I should be doing something else, but he doesn't see a problem with it and gets defensive when I get frustrated with him about it. It seems so obvious to me, but perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to make decisions for someone else. Not only am I so convinced that I'm right, but I also have a set idea about who I (and he) should be.

Now that I think about it, asmita does not seem like the most appropriate klesha to talk about first... in fact, I'm having a hard time deciding which klesha to pick first. I think my brain is a little burnt out from today--so I close this first entry by simply setting an intention to not get mad at Zack just because I think he is so very (very very very very) wrong.