Good morning!

I had a splendid practice this morning. I followed the twisting sequence in Gary's book, and it totally unwrenched my hips and low back. My stomach also feels a little less massive. I learned the value of props today as well--in Baradvajasana, there was no way that my arm was reaching behind my back to grab my foot! I struggled with it for a little while until I realized that Jeanne has a strap and a block! So I dutifully looped the strap around my foot and grabbed the tail end of that, while placing the block on my other side to rest my hand on. Bliss! I was able to do the twist without being distracted by my odd shape or my inflexibility. Even though I started in Iyengar, I guess I never really got the message that props expand your range of postures because they extend your limbs and make up for your inflexibility before you can become flexible enough to do lots of different things!

In short: I shouldn't ignore props just because I'm 21 and don't think I need them, because I do.

Good morning.

I had a lovely chest-opening and heart opening practice this morning. I have been (since yesterday) practicing the sequences laid out in "Yoga for Wellness" that go with each kind of pose. Yesterday, the forward bending put me in a bit of a funny mood I think--for a morning practice, it was not very energizing and I think it stretched my back and neck too far for so early in the morning. Today was a lot different. The backbending practice was very energizing, and coupled with the breathing techniques I am re-learning in Gary's book it was very stabilizing and strengthening as well. I like the way this section of the book is laid out, and I am taking notes about everything. It feels like the aspects of sequencing and adaptation that I was having trouble with will all be whooshed away by this reading. Of course, I'm going to need to internalize it, but I think doing the practices every morning will help.

So I'm feeling good this morning. It will be my first morning commuting from Sammamish to North Bend, and I'm running right on schedule. I have about 20 minutes before I'm going to leave (to hopefully be at work 15 minutes early). I've been feeling so rushed lately that I think I need to either slow down my life or speed up my brain. We'll see which one wins.

Songs

It takes a worried mind to sing a worried song.

Learning styles

I will not begin this post with an apology.

I have been thinking subconsciously about the first four sutras over the past few weeks. That's not to say that I'm trying to make up for not thinking about them by writing something brilliant--which is often useful. Rather, I'm expressing an almost integrated living with them, if not in the spirit of them. It is indeed difficult for me to still the mind, whether through "controlling" it or uniting it with the heart, and I often fail at it. However, I am mindful of what is going on between those still moments, which are very few. I think this is the "path to recovery."

Of course, it is frustrating to see myself getting my wheelbarrow stuck in the same samskara over and over.

And over.

atha yoganusasanam.

I am going at this one from a different angle for the next week. I am going to refrain from watching television in order to wean myself off of it. Perhaps by denying myself this vice I can figure out the hole I am trying to fill with it.

::eyes computer:: You're next.

Jeanne's house is very conducive to this kind of activity because it is very simplistic. There is a bit of "stuff" here: lots of decorations, fancy sound equipment, and nice furniture, but it's all part of a routine. The things in my life are not serving my routines, or at least they are not helping me start them.

Well no, let me say that again. The things in my life are here because they are serving my routines perfectly. That is why I accumulate them and become so attached to them. So then I get stuck: I want to change my routine but the things around me make that difficult, and I want to reduce my attachment to the things around me but my routines are such that doing so would cause me to suffer in some way. So it's a toughie. I feel so scattered by these things that I am unable to focus. Hence my reasoning for turning the television off for a week.

And off my mind races: "But what about Seventh Heaven? And ER?" And I reassure my mind: "That's what they make DVR for." Whether I want to inflict my decision on Zack when I visit him tomorrow will remain to be seen.

For now, I am enjoying listening to this lovely music. And I shall sign off to read something about yoga in place of writing about it.

Doin' the best I can

So, I've succeeded in keeping my bhavana at least in the background of most my days. I've been having a rough week. Zack is gone and I kind of got really overwhelmed with work and all the stuff I have to do over the next few weeks. I think tonight I'm feeling better about it though. I may not be actively separating myself from my mind, but I think the idea is floating around in my head much more forcefully than it was before.

Today at work I was feeling frustrated with myself for being frustrated with Harrison (oh boy, that sounds even funnier now that I've typed it). I would really love to be able to be in a peaceful state all the time, but I shouldn't just beat myself up for it just because I'm not automatically there! In the present moment, that's where I was. I think the first thing I need to do is accept that before I can move on to changing it. We talked about this in our sutra study group last Thursday... it's not enough just to not have the undesirable emotions. I have to really focus on them and know them before I can let them go. atha. Be in the present moment, not in a state where you are wishing you weren't there. That is totally what I need to work on, because it is essentially what drives my life. Even if I'm feeling like utter garbage, I need to meet myself in that place rather than run away from it. Only then will I be living in the present.

Well, that was pretty productive. My mantra: Atha yoganusasanam.

As for my practice, I only did three sun salutations this morning. However, I've started working with ujjayi breathing as a way to keep myself focused on the breath. It has helped a lot--I can monitor my breathing a lot better when I can hear a sound instead of just feeling the tension when it's there. I think I'm going to set up a private session with Robin when she comes back so I can get to the bottom of this anxiety/tension/breathing thing that I am coming to realize are much much much more related than I previously thought they were. Wow, something just released deep in my chest after I typed that. Cool.

My awareness is slowly getting better. Again, it's all about meeting myself at the current moment rather than running away from it. Sure, I don't particularly want to feel "like this," but I can't just ignore it by channeling my awareness elsewhere. I have to be fully aware of it before I can realize what's going on. Babysteps! I think ujjayi is a good way to start.

Unperfect.

Well, I haven't updated my blog in a few days. I think the theme of this week has been non-practice. I have been so intent on not letting everything get to me or slow me down that it finally has. Zack left yesterday and I miss him a lot. I probably won't get to see him for two weeks, which is a long time. I guess I feel kind of isolated--I really haven't made any new friends my age here, and while I love my yoga sangha, they all have their own lives and established routines. I don't feel like I quite fit there yet. The trouble is, I feel so separated from other people my age. I also have very little time to have fun these days.

I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. My vrttis have been wildly waltzing around a lot lately, some in productive directions and some notsomuch. My mind has an idea of where it thinks "happiness" is, and I am beginning to know it's not there, but this interrim is kind of depressing. I know that I'm not going to find happiness by going out and partying all the time, but that's what my mind wants to do. No, that's what my mind wants to do. I need to stop identifying with that urge and realize that it is a part of my mind's nostalgia for what it thinks it once had.

I need to let go.

I am in this new transformative stage of my life, but every step I take is both perpetuated and hindered by fear. I guess I can't figure out who I am beyond, well, who I used to want to be. I know that I'm heading in the right direction, but ::whine:: it's so hard! Every time I get inspired, I leave the situation that prompts that excitement and return to my normal state of lassitude. I think that this is a necessary phase though--everyone needs a little bit of discomfort to really ease into what they want their lives to be and to become great people, right? I have to step out of being accustomed to having it all, all the time, at any cost.

I do not want to be a visitor in my own self.

Here I am, remembering to post my second journal entry of the day! Unfortunately, I haven't really kept the sutras in the front of my mind today, but I'm sure I have something to say about them. Wow. What to say about these first four? They are so incredibly profound. Vrttis vrttis vrttis!

Well, my balancing practice this morning served me wonderfully throughout the day. I felt very balanced and refreshed until about 4pm this afternoon, but I was quickly able to regain my poise after about fifteen minutes. I think remembering to focus on breathing in a way that supports balance and ease rather than my sympathetic nervous system helps as well :). Of course, what I am perceiving is still the vrttis of the mind, but if I feel "balanced" I can put these things into perspective rather than bouncing around all over the place with uncontrolled vrttis stealing the show. I can also function without falling victim to millions of vrttis all at once, because when I feel balanced there just aren't as many competing for my attention.

I've also been thinking a lot today about what I absorbed from teacher training. Atha yoganusasama! It feels wonderful to be learning these things... I can be my own teacher during the times when I do not have the good fortune to be in the presence of one of my other teachers. Of course, I have always been there to facilitate learning for myself, and I have done a pretty good job thus far, but I think it's knowing that these are "true" teachings that I can rely on because they are being passed down through so many generations that makes me feel so stable practicing them. I was also thinking the other day that teaching yoga is perfect for me because I always want to help people, but I don't always know how. Now I can start to build my own toolbox and also have the wisdom to know when I can't answer a question.

I think what I would like to focus on this week is making sure that I do not bring my vrttis and samskaras to my students. There, I have set my intention.

Awareness

I'm attempting to get myself to journal every day again... I'm hoping that it will work this time because it's for school! Actually, I will be making two short journal entries every day: one on my morning practice to cultivate a level of observation of myself and one in the afternoon/evening (after I get home from work) on the role that sutras 1.1 to 1.4 play during my daily life. Here goes!

This morning I decided to practice a samana sequence that I came up with last night for my teens' class. The intention of this sequence is to introduce the idea of integrating the breath with the movement. To start off, I can say that I feel very balanced right now, although I'm certainly missing that nice rush I have after doing my normal brhmana practice every morning. Suffice to say, this was not the exactly right practice for me as an individual for this time of day. One of the things I really noticed was my chest tightness for lack of a backbend or two to open it after sleeping all night. Of course, I designed the practice to be done by a bunch of teenagers after they get out of school. As far as the breath integration with movement, I did not inspire myself the way Robin might in this practice, so I feel like I'm missing something. Perhaps I will do this practice again tomorrow morning while holding the intention to really work myself with the breath (because I tend to be a little lax in that area!).

As far as the sequence itself, I liked it. It was very simple but allowed for the untrained mind to focus on the breath without getting distracted by the body so much. Now that I'm looking at the sequence again, I realize that I forgot to do uttanasana before extending into side angle pose. No wonder my back hurt in trikonasana! I guess that's a good example of why forward bends are the hub of the wheel... I went right into laterals instead of preparing my spine first. Good to know! Other than that piece of it, I think the only change I would make is to have the student stay in each of the poses and feel after doing the repetitions. I tried it in trikonasana and felt that it gave me a chance to integrate what my body was feeling in the pose (like a svasana of sorts).

Now that I've been sitting for a little while, I think I'm going to incorporate a backbend into the sequence to get the upper back working a little bit in that fashion. Maybe all I need to do is have them extend back a little further during the upwards motion in uttansana (except for the very last one so we can move into laterals safely). I think that would assist in the breathwork and release some of that tension there from sitting all day in school. OK, I think I covered all I wanted to cover for this morning.

Forgetting

Forgetting what's most important to me is like leaning on my elbows simply because I don't feel like holding myself up. I shouldn't be so hard on myself though... being lazy is a samskara that is very, very deep. I get caught up in the rest of my life (where there is a lot to be wrapped up in) and I just forget. How can I keep from doing that? How can I keep from screaming at people on the road again or forgetting to write in my journal?

Tapas.

And the only way that tapas is going to remain a constant in my life is through hard work and dedication. That's another samskara--not being truly dedicated to anything. Perhaps if I focus my attention on breaking that one, or the laziness one, I can get deeper into what I'm really trying to solve. The problem is, I jump from samskara to samskara without truly concentrating on any one of them. That's what I need to focus on--dedication. I need to dedicate myself to something and just stick to it, wading through the dvesa and raga to get to what I know I need to do. It's purely my choice, I just have to make it.

Now to make that experiential knowledge instead of just conceptualizing it. I have to live it.

T-i-r-e-d

The anger thing has been going fairly well. I got mad at some lady yesterday who was driving a big truck and almost sideswiped me in Bellevue. I have been trying not to use foul language and hand gestures when I get miffed at people while driving, but yesterday that didn't work so well. When I get angry and react that way, I release that anger out into the world. Is that what I want to be doing to the energy in my own body and on a planetary level? Not really. Perhaps I should add that to my repertoire of "reasons not to get angry." It is helpful to bring up these thoughts when I start to get mad, because it really is a choice and not just a knee-jerk reaction. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I am exhausted.

On the road again...

So it's late again, and again I don't feel like writing. So I will write a little bit.

There was a lady on the road today that was driving very inconsiderately. In fact, she even flipped me the bird without much provocation. I guess that was a nice mirror into what I might look like--although I maintain that I my driving skills are worlds better than what she was exhibiting this afternoon. Anyway, I managed to keep my anger down to a dull annoyance. It took a little breathing and a lot of patience, but in the end I felt much better for it.

Goodnight.

An end and a beginning

Advanced studies ended today. I don't have the energy to write a long post, but I thought I'd commemorate the occasion. During our closing circle, I told everyone that I was terrified to join Advanced Studies at first. They were all completely suprised that I had such anxiety! That says something interesting... but it's 11:05 and I have to return to the real world tomorrow. So goodnight.

Day 8

Well, yesterday did not go so well. Zack and I had a huge argument in the morning that started with him getting up on time to feed the cats and ended with us having a loud and heated discussion about responsibility and each others' flaws. That's usually where our arguments end up. I internalized that anger so much that I still have a headache from it.

I recognize that I could have started out the morning much differently by not mentioning his getting up ten minutes late in the first place. I don't even think that's what I was screaming at him about. I think what finally set me off to that point was his lack of recognition that I had a valid reason to be angry.

Wasn't I supposed to be realizing that as part of this exercise? That my anger is never well placed because I identify with it way too much? I think my problem here is going back to asmita. I was so convinced yesterday that I was right and he was wrong that I put myself through turmoil just to fail at proving that.

Asmita. Asmita. Asmita.

Day 7

Well, today was not quite so successful. I'm happy to report, however, that instead of beating myself up for getting angry at people (and there were quite a few), I'm going to walk away from the day looking at it as a learning experience. First, I want to make a list of the people I got mad at today.

1. Lisa - for being chronically late
2. Mom - for bugging Zack and I about flea powder
3. Zack - for sitting around all day not doing anything

So I don't like people being inconsiderate, disrespectful, or lazy. What I need to remember is that at some point, I fit all three of those descriptions. I have certainly conceptualized this, but how can I put it into practice when my horomones are hopping up and down and I'm just having a plain old bad day? I know that this morning I was really helped by focusing inwards during the asana practice. In fact, I forgot all about my mood in general during that practice, and I felt great afterwards. It wasn't until after I left Robin's and was in the car that I got mad at my mom about the flea powder thing. I think that I should start to recognize what can make me more predisposed to getting angry and then maybe do some asana or just some breathing or something that will make me more able to deal with my mind's feelings. I should try and think of some things that can help me do this, because otherwise I will continue to let anger rule my life.

Day 6

Today was a nice day. We went for a walking meditation this morning that was absolutely wonderful, and then we did restoratives all morning. Dinner was also lovely. About 10 people ended up coming--we all had good conversation and even better food.

Other than that, I didn't really get mad at Zack today. In fact, I gave my dad some insight at the breakfast table this morning about what I've been doing over the last week that has helped me to not get so angry at people. I think it helped him. All in all, this has been a successful experience for me. Of course, I know that I need to stay vigilant... this week has been so relaxing that it hasn't been overly challenging to not get mad at people. I need to stay on top of this--perhaps I'll even try to write in my journal for more than just a week. Well, we'll see :).

Day 5

Well, I haven't really had time to be angry at Zack today! I did gain some insight into how I can relate to people that might make me feel angry though! We were studying sutra 2.20 today and I was reading some commentary on it by Sri Swami Satchinanda. He says...

Through yogic thinking we can see the entire humanity as our own. We can embrace all without any exceptions. Even the worst sinner will be loved by us because we ourselves were once sinners

This is a nice pratipaksha. I feel like I can be a compassionate person if I have some understanding of what another is going through, even if they are ticking me off a little bit. What I have been having trouble with is failing to see the connection between myself and every other living creature. I need to remember that, at some point during some lifetime (or even this one), I've been where they've been. Regardless of whether it's stupidity or hatred or whatever, there's a connection between me and that person. Not only are we the same at our core, but I've been where they are before. I used this idea a few times when I was on the road, and I made it from Fall City to Issaquah and back without getting angry at anyone. I'll report back on how this works with Zack.

Day 4

Raga, raga, raga.

Anyway...

Class went pretty well today. I got home and Zack and I left to go to the chiropractor's so I could get adjusted (muuuuch better!). I think the only time I got mad at him today was during a discussion we were having about the difference between men and women. He always picks tiny little parts of my sentence to pick apart instead of the whole argument! I got mad and pointed it out to him, so he got defensive. Instead of continuing the argument though, I ended it. I changed the steps of the dance! Sometimes there's not much more I can do... I'm not at a point where I can just not respond to something that makes me angry.

The way to fix that is to recognize that the Seer is seperate from the Seen. I am not my anger! I can choose whether to react or not. What I really need to do is find ways to react to something that bothers me without the drama. That's the next step in altering the dance.

Day 3

Well, I think today went slightly better than yesterday... maybe it's just because I am too exhausted to be angry! I only went there twice--once was on the road and once was at Zack. I know I set out to just tackle my samskara surrounding Zack, but I think it would be useful to explore both incidents.

The first one didn't come until about 4pm today. Of course, I was at the Yoga Barn pretty much the whole time, but there were definitely a few times between getting out of the Intensive and 4pm that I could have become angry. I did get angry at someone on the highway today though. 1)She was pacing people in the left lane. 2)She was from Texas (no offense Texas people, but Texas drivers are pretty damn annoying) 3)I was a little late for work. I didn't flip her off and honk at her though... and to my credit, I tried really hard to be nice about it before I really got angry. So there's some progress! I think I'm still a little mad about it though, which is kind of silly. I need to let it go--that's a lot of energy spent on one neglectful driver. That's a technique I need to work on... because I'm still convinced that I'm right! Asmita, asmita, asmita. For the people that I didn't get mad at, however, I worked on remembering that we're all the same parusha on the inside. That did help, but I need to work on remembering that about people that I can't necessarily relate to.

That's actually a good way to transition into talking about being angry at Zack. He called the Yoga Barn and told me he might not be home when I got home because he went to Bellevue to hang out with Dave. That's really fine with me, and I'm not sure why I got so frustrated. It was probably that I was a little jealous that he's out having fun while I'm at work (although it's not like I want to be out exercising my vices with him and Dave anyway!). There's a little avidya/raga for you.

Well, I think it's time for me to be hittin' the old dusty trail. I'm exhausted!

Day 2

Today was very topsy turvy. I had a fairly good day at Robin's, but there was something a little off with me throughout. Practice this morning was hard for me. I know it was supposed to be challenging, but I wasn't even getting the satisfaction throughout of being challenged. I think I was tired (and without protein), so I couldn't really connect to that inner fountain of good feelings that I can usually find during a yoga practice. I did realize during the meditation after our asana practice, however, that I am more controlled by pleasure than pain. I do an okay job at "making myself" do things that I experience a slight aversion to, but when it comes to denying myself things that I feel attached to I'm not so diligent.

That brings me to my anger that I'm bringing tapas to. I decided that I would break my fast at dinner tonight, so when I got home from yoga at 4:30 I was very focused on what my meal was going to be. My mind was craving Enchiladas Suiza from El Coparal. I knew deep down somewhere (nagging doubt/guilt feeling) that my body disagreed with that assessment, but I was so close to following my mind's whim that Zack and I were almost in the car before I changed my mind. I decided that a salad would be a much better choice, but making that choice caused feelings of anger and frustration to well up inside me that I just couldn't control. I snapped at Zack and my mother before angrily cutting my salad and sitting down to eat it. It was, in fact, exactly what my body needed. I even had a little potato salad afterwards, which was too much for me... imagine sitting down to two enchiladas and rice AND beans! Forget the chips and salsa!

I'm glad that I made the right decision, but I am honestly a little frustrated that I had to go through all that "drama" to get there. I shouldn't beat myself up though... I should look and see what I can do differently in the future. In the article "Overcoming Fear" by Phil Nuemberger, I read that "when our desires are frustrated, we often feel angry, but underneath the anger is the fear that we won't get what we think we need." That is obviously what was going on with me tonight. My mind was truly convinced that I needed enchiladas suizas or else my body wouldn't be satisified. When my better judgment took over and said "no, salad will be just fine," my mind got flat out angry because it was truly afraid of letting go of that attachment. Obviously this goes back to "raga," the attachment to things that my mind thinks my body needs for sustenance. In fact, my body needs a few basic things, but due to all the excess I surround myself with my mind is convinced otherwise.

That's where the anger came from tonight. It makes sense that I was having trouble last night deciding which particular seed my anger was coming from. I don't think that there is necessarily a particular place because it erupts in response to many different things. Instead, it seems that my mind is very defensive when it comes to comfort levels. I should be more mindful of what sets that off to truly see how I can erase that pesky samskara from my daily habits.

Samskara

As part of my Advanced Studies July intensive, Robin suggested that we pick a samskara that we would like to work on. We're supposed to journal about our experiences over the next nine days. Here goes...

I picked getting angry at Zack. It's definitely a deep samskara, and it's not only Zack that I get angry at, but I'll work on that one first. I have a low patience threshold and I'm (a little) controlling. When things don't go my way, I get angry and I direct that anger at the person that I feel is causing it. That's not the only reason I get angry, but it's the main reason I get angry at Zack. I have expectations that don't get fulfilled.

Which klesha does this angry plant sprout from?

Well, as I look over my list... this one's a doozy. I think the main culprit here is asmita--identification with the ego. I think I'm right all the time (at least more than I think Zack is right), and that causes me to feel slighted when he does something that doesn't jive with my opinion. For example, he likes to sit around and play video games for hours on end when it's a beautiful day outside. Sometimes I get really frustrated with him because I think that he's doing his health a disservice by staying in the basement and escaping himself through computer-related entertainment. When I do that, I feel guilty about it and know I should be doing something else, but he doesn't see a problem with it and gets defensive when I get frustrated with him about it. It seems so obvious to me, but perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to make decisions for someone else. Not only am I so convinced that I'm right, but I also have a set idea about who I (and he) should be.

Now that I think about it, asmita does not seem like the most appropriate klesha to talk about first... in fact, I'm having a hard time deciding which klesha to pick first. I think my brain is a little burnt out from today--so I close this first entry by simply setting an intention to not get mad at Zack just because I think he is so very (very very very very) wrong.

Sequencing

This morning I'm going to work on my first asana sequence.

My intention this morning is to expand my chest in the same manner that I've been working on with my daily practice given to me by Robin. At the same time, I'd also like to tighten up my core a bit with some new poses. The old ones are feeling a little stale--I like to feel the burn :).

Since I want to wake up a little bit this morning, I should start lying down and transition to standing poses. Let's look at some poses that are done lying on the back. I think I should start first with a simple extension pose. Tadakamudra looks like the best choice for the first pose. It will give me a chance to really stretch out my spine and get the prana flowing from fingertips to my toes.

After Tadakamudra, I want to continue with my extensions but get some more movement going on in there. I think a nice sequence of Urdhva Prasarita Padasana, Supta Padangusthasana, and Supta Prasarita Padangusthasana would be good. Urdhva Prasarita Padasana will engage my core while maintaining the extension/expansion in my upper back, Supta Padangustasana will challenge me to continue to expand my chest while increasing the stretch in my lower back, and Supta Prasarita Padangustasana will provide a nice extension out to the sides to stretch my arms and legs while I continue to engage my core and expand my chest.

So that's four poses. My intention for this practice is to expand my chest and engage my core, so I think I would like to be working towards a more challenging pose that will achieve both these ends for me. At this point, my spine is nicely extended and supported and my legs and hips have been stretched, so I think I would be ready to move into some more challenging poses. I want my "focus pose" to be Ardha Chandrasana because it's kind of an all-around good pose for me. It strenghtens the core, stretches the legs and arms, and improves digestion while releasing stress. Perfect! An obvious lead-in to this pose would be Trikonasana. I'll want to incorporate a kneeling forward bend before Trikonasana to transition from lying on my back to a standing lateral bend. I'll pick my old friend Vajrasana for that one.

It just occurred to me that I am not being specific about how many times I should perform each pose. I think that for Tadakamudra, Urdhva Prasarita Padasana, Supta Padangusthasana, and Supta Prasarita Padangusthasana I should just hold them. For Vajrasana, I will do three times each side. After Vajrasana, I will do Trikonasana on both sides, taking time to hold the pose and really feel relaxed yet stable in it. After Trikonasana, I will finally come in to Ardha Chandrasana and hold it on both sides. Ooh! And after Ardha Chandrasana, I will do Parivrtti Trikonasana as a nice twist since I will be nice and stretched out already to do it.

After that pretty intense standing twist, I'm going to want something that will unwind my lower back as well as transition back to a supine position. That sounds like a job for Cakravakasana. I'll do Cakravakasana three times, then come back into Balasana one last time to prepare for Savasana (the one pose name I did not have to look up).

Wow! I think I've created a pretty balanced and fulfilling practice! Unfortunately, I only have until 10:30 to do it before the meditation class gets out. Oh well! I'm going to start, then if I have to pause for a second, that's OK. Here's a pat on the back for a job well done!

Why I started my yoga practice

This is an interesting question. Why did I start my yoga practice? Let's begin from the beginning.

My very first yoga class took place at the Racquetball Club in Mendham, NJ. It's funny that my first taste of yoga would take place in such a setting. My teacher was the (in)famous Pranati. I actually don't remember much about the class itself. All I can recall is proclaiming for a week afterwards to everyone who would listen that yoga was awesome. I can remember feeling like I was floating all week. I had no idea that my body could feel that good. For most of my young life, I remember being disatissfied with my body as a whole--the way it looked, the way it felt, the way it performed just wasn't what I felt it should be.

I have not been able to acheive that feeling since then. Pranati's class was a very intense Iyengar practice that was suitable for the members of the health club. They wanted something that would keep them in shape. I'm in no way questioning their motives, but I know that mine and theirs did not match. I remember feeling uncomfortable in the poses but struggling to maintain the perfection that Pranati required from each of us. I started to dread the physical exertion required in that class and eventually stopped going altogether. That cemented the idea in my head (at least for awhile) that yoga was just like everything else my life--unpleasant, tedious, and not something that I was capable of comfortably doing. That idea extended through college and pretty much until I moved here to Washington.

Nowadays, my views toward yoga are completely different. Of course, I am enjoying the physical progress I am making on my path; but yoga is no longer about forcing myself into uncomfortable poses to acheive some lofty end. I have realized the connection between myself and yoga: it helps to fill in those blanks that I could not previously fill with my own experiences. I am now working on amending that samskara that I have which tells me that I am not good enough because in the past I haven't been. Now I know that I am--it's just a matter of taking that first step, then the step after that, and then the following one to uncover the layers I have constructed over my true self.

I practice yoga to remind myself that I am completely full.

Kriya Yoga

Greetings again.

The last two months have been refreshing, educational, and pretty busy. I stopped working at Dahn for various reasons--the main one being that Zack got a really good job and I started working at the Yoga barn. Now I'm working there 1-3 days a week. The rest of the time, I'm at a chiropractic clinic. I also started the Advanced Studies course at the YB, and so far I've been to two weekend workshops that have given me a lot of insight into my practice. There's a lot of action going on in my life, and I'm happy to say it is all focusing on (or at least revolving around) yoga.

That brings me to my proposed topic for this posting - Kriya Yoga. This was the topic of our first Advanced Studies workshop. Tapas, svadhyaya, isvara pranidhana. After some consideration, I feel that I should bring my journal back into my practice as a form of svadhyaya. When I started writing this journal, I didn't really have a specific intention in mind for it except to reap some sort of benefit that related to my practice as a whole. As I read through it to get a sense of where I thought I left off, I could see that here and there I commented on a few--my writing ability was improving, I had an outlet for self-exploration, and I felt like I was accomplishing something that previously was hard for me to do. That was all well and good, but it did not keep me coming back to the keyboard every day without some feeling of dread for the task at hand. I can see now that this feeling of dread in the face of activity is one of my biggest hurdles and that overcoming it is not simply a matter of willfully erasing the dread. I need a system to follow that promotes non-dread.

I think that tool is intention.

With this blog and certainly every other activity that I engage myself in, a certain quality of mindfulness is essential. It is not helpful to simply throw myself at the task with the belief that the task itself will magically erase all my problems. If I set an intention for every task that needs doing, I can direct my full attention to that task because I will have a point to focus on. I've always thought of myself as a person with the ability to concentrate fully on something. When I can't, I get frustrated at myself because I get the idea in my head that I must be doing something wrong. While that is true, my wrongdoing is based on the fact that I spread my mind too thin rather than my simple inability to concentrate on anything. If I give myself one point to concentrate on, the rest will flow with ease. It's like setting the title and then writing to that. My blog gives me a little space to type that in, but that is not so apparent in every area of life. That's a good visualization--for every task that I have, I need to create a title for it before I can go ahead and do it. With the intention set, I have a much better chance of attentively dedicating myself to the task rather than haphazardly throwing brain power at it until it gets done.

How's that for ahimsa?

Flow

I managed to get up into shoulderstand without any effort tonight. I bent my knees, and with an exhalation I was up. Regardless of how frustrated I get from day to day, I must be doing something right. Honestly, that's all I care about. I want to have some sort of assurance that I'm not totally off base with my practice. It's hard doing something mostly by yourself that is really supposed to be supported by an awesome teacher. Well, I am my own awesome teacher for most things these days, and I should trust myself.

I know what I'm doing.

I've had the faith in myself to make it this far, and I just need to push further. No, not push... but go.

_____

So last night I fell asleep before I could finish this entry, but I don't think I have anything more to add to it at the present time.

Working hard

I haven't worked very hard on my yoga practice today, but I definitely worked hard on my grad school application. I'm really not sure how to make myself do something I don't want to do without willfully doing it. I wish I felt like writing was art rather than tedium.

Do I really like tv better than this? Stephen Colbert makes me laugh but I know I really used to like to write... at some point. I just get so distracted!

How do I do this without forcing myself to do it? I need to want to do it. Why don't I want to do this? Because I don't want to use my brain... no, that's not it. I think that I have placed a stigma on writing that I don't want to have anymore. I can do this. Plus, I like the clickey sound that my keyboard makes.

My non-violence today is trying to figure out how I can do the things that I know I want to do without willfully doing them. I need to figure out why I want to do them.

How option-y. On that note, I think I should go to bed.

Five days is a short period of time.

I was sick, then I was sad.

Moving on.

Today I started my practice from a much different place, and I suppose that's what I've been working towards for the past few days. I came into each pose with the idea in my head that I was forming a piece of art, not molding a dummy into a particular pose. Instead of forcing my body to contort I just tried to plug in to my natural energy flow and move. As a result, I got in to my poses a lot more easily and found myself more able to hold them for an extended period of time.

My brain was worked pretty hard today, so that relaxed practice felt really good. I think that is really the way to practice ahimsa towards myself.

Tomorrow will be another busy day... Dahn, then writing writing writing... make dinner... writing writing. But hey, I'm actually looking forward to it now. Yesterday night I went to bed feeling really horrible about myself. When I get stuck in one of those holes, I can't find a way to pull myself out. Today, I managed to get some help, take my time, and I am starting to construct an essay that I can truly be proud of. I'll post it when I'm done.

Goodnight.

Why

A big underlying reason for me to pursue spiritual exploration is to find out what makes me tick. Why do I spend days at a time staring at the wall wishing I were being productive when all I need to do is get up and be productive? It sounds so simple when I put it that way, but somehow it's not. I sit there and berate myself for being lazy, which I always have been, so I think it is impossible to turn my life around and get out of this rut.

Do I really think I've been in a rut all my life?

Yes.

I have always secretly felt that I was not working hard enough and that I didn't want anything. I'm not talking material desires, I'm talking ambition. I have always lacked ambition in favor of expending little physical and mental effort. Everything feels so out of my control at this point. WHY???????

I need to focus on being non-violent towards myself before I can even think about being non-violent towards other people. Otherwise I'm just going to feel guilty for lashing out at others and beat myself up for it. That is not exactly the definition of non-violence! I am going to make a small promise to myself right now, but it is not coming from a willful place. It is coming from a peaceful place that will not judge if I do not immediately keep this promise for ever and always. I just want to be mindful of this. I need to enjoy the small things. I need to increase my sensitivity. Maybe I shut down to avoid being hurt. Well, I can't be hurt unless I hurt myself, right? I want to open my heart.

Yes. That is it.

Every time I start feeling like I have for the past few days, I should remember to keep my heart open. If this means that I feel more immediately sad instead of trying to drown myself in some mindless activity, so be it. At least that is authentic.

Let's see if I can wipe the years of dust off the old ticker and see what she can do.

Ahimsa

Tonight I will practice ahimsa by simply saying that my brain does not feel good and so I am not going to stretch it to write something. I did not read today, I thought about ahimsa most of the day but did not practice it, and I didn't read anything again.

Like I was dedicated, now I am having an off day. It's... transience.

I think I want to blame it on the situps.

Sleepy.

I started my asana practice a little late tonight (midnight) and didn't read anything. I had a rough evening tonight after looking at old pictures of my parents when my mom was just getting out of college and she and my dad were starting their lives together. They looked like they were having so much fun! That made me painfully aware of how isolated I feel sitting in this basement. I pushed so many people away back in Massachusetts, but now I just want to hang out with people no matter how lame they are. I even posted on craigslist.org to find some friends. Ho hum.

Anyway, posting made me feel better because I was attempting to do something about my current situation. So we smoked a little and then I started my practice. It was AWESOME! I almost got myself into reverse triangle and I touched my nose to my knee in parsvattonasana! My hips are less tense than they have been in a long time. That could have been a product of the Dahn class I attended today. It was alright--there was a nice lady in the class and some of the stretches were helpful. I enjoy traditional yoga a lot better... in fact, this wasn't really yoga at all. There was meditation though, and not a lot of yoga classes these days have meditation. So despite being tired and a little sad, I'm here and my hips feel fabulous. Whee!

I was reminded tonight during my thought wanderings that I wanted to concentrate on one of the yamas for the next five two-week cycles in order. For the next two weeks, I will concentrate on ahimsa in all corners of my life.

Week Three, Day One

Wow! My practice today was awesome. It was the first time I really felt that anything I read during the last two weeks sunk in. I started my new set of asanas today. The new group essentially incorporates those from the old group with two new and more challenging poses thrown in: Reverse Triangle and a forward bend where my legs are spread really wide and my head rests on the floor. The latter felt AWESOME. The former was very difficult for me to get into since I have difficulty with both triangle and twists. I decided to take it easy on myself for the first time, especially since I tried it out at first and almost fell in a bad way. So I put my big toe against the wall and used a block for my hand to rest on. The first side was a little tricky since I didn't know what I was doing, but on the second side I concentrated on keeping my back foot planted firmly on the ground and shifting the weight in my front thigh towards the side opposite my stretch. I found a modicum of stability! I have eons to go in the pose, but I really feel like I am starting to "get it." I know I can.

Faith.

Instead of questioning myself because of the physical excuses I think I have, I just went ahead and tried it. It helps to have a course of action laid out by a guru that I can follow. Of course, I won't go as far to injure myself, but I don't think that I otherwise would have inclued such an asana in my practice. After that, parsvattonasana was a BREEZE. I have never been able to to that pose so well. Here's to opening up my hips and my confidence!

On another good note, I started seriously working on my essay for grad school today. Instead of sitting there staring at the computer screen getting frustrated with myself, I managed to get out the better part of two pages and take a shower in three hours! The sheer brainpower alone that those simple tasks used to require were ridiculous! Now I have faith in myself that I can accomplish these things. I know I can. I was only a lazy slob because I thought I was a lazy slob, then I would feel guilty about it, which turned me into more of a lazy slob. No more!

I'm getting there.

My reading today was the third chapter in Human Technology. So far, I'm not that that that impressed. A lot of the text seems to be filler around a few mediocre (and certainly not original) concepts. I'll keep reading, though. Tomorrow I'm set to go to class, so we'll see what there is to see!

Oh, and one more thing. I've solved my triangle problem, I think. Before, I was putting way too much pressure on my front foot in the pose. Now I've learned to tighten the back knee and engage my inner thigh to really find some stability in the pose so I don't have to tense my hips up and therefore strain my front knee and ankle. It feels SO much better.

Now I am officially signing out to wait for Zack to get home. Namaste!!!!!

Two weeks later.

I made it! I started something two weeks ago, and I stuck with it until now. In fact, I can slowly see myself making some progress! Every day I learn something new, and even though it's hard to string those experiences together into one cohesive "learning," I know that I've come a long way in two weeks and that I can only go further from here.

I haven't read yet today so I don't have any commentary on the next few sectons of Light on Life, but I did just finish my asana practice and BOY was it both frustrating and rewarding. I am still having lots of trouble with all the standing w/ legs spread poses (except for Warrior II), but my shoulderstand today was AWESOME! As long as I let myself get up the way I feel most comfortable, the pose is now consistantly a success. In fact, even Halasana is coming along well now that I am really starting to engage my spine in the intense stretch. I think I am getting to the point where I could hold shoulderstand for an extended period of time! That work will be for next week, though. As far as my standing poses go, I will keep working in them for as long as it takes! I am definitely in this for the long haul, no matter how frustrated I get.

Oh! Headache journal report. I felt myself starting to get a migraine after dinner tonight when I set about to do some cleaning/putting stuff away from our trip. The head pain itself never got too bad, but the nausea was starting to build so I went upstairs and laid down on the comfy couch for awhile. Thankfully I fell asleep and now am awake, alert, and relatively headache free. For the record, dinner tonight was the winter vegetable stew from the Vegetarian Epicure Book Two, a salad with Annie's Ginger Dressing, and some French bread. The only other things I ate today were some burritos and La Casita chips and salsa.

On a completely unrelated note, my journaling (excuse me, BLOGGING), is really bringing my language skills back on track. I don't find myself sitting in front of the computer at a loss for words anymore. Now I just need to translate that over to grad school essays and I'm all set!

busybusybusy.

In some respects, today felt very productive. In others, it did not.

That sounded very negative though. I got a lot done today and in some ways fulfilled my daily practice. Mom and I went to Karen's for yoga this morning. I like going to her little studio because it is so relaxed and more connected to what I feel a real place to practice with a teacher should be like. We did a lot of neck and back work today because Rosemarie slept on her neck funny. I really enjoyed a lot of the stuff we did, especially doing down dog and warrior against the wall. I worked on a lot of tension that I have been facing in my private practice, especially in the hips. Being against the wall made it easier for my hips to open because it didn't feel like they were solely responsible for maintaining my balance. I should remember that my stillness and balance comes from my hara, not from tension in my hips. Karen also aligned me in savasana in such a way that I was able to plug myself into the earth's gravity like never before. It was especially this rotation that she did with my shoulders... it helped so much! I learned later that she had discussed and worked on her fear of aligning her students with a teacher in Carnation that I really want to take a class with. I think it's Thursday at 5:45...?

My reading was actually a product of my job interview that I went to today. I interviewed at a Dahn Yoga Center despite my skepticism. The lady I interviewed with was very nice, although not the best speaker of English. I got two free weeks of yoga classes and a free book to read. I have to go to at least three classes a week until we meet in February to discuss if I'm employed. I am kind of relieved that this is the way it is working since I am so unsure of whether I want to work there or not. I figure, I'll take some free yoga classes and then see what I feel about the place. Anyway, the free book was my reading. The first chapter was about self-reliance and how we change ourselves to adapt to systems rather than the other way around. I can see that. I'm still going to be ultra-wary though. I won't let someone else tell me what a cult is, but I certainly don't want to test my resistance to one.

And with that, I complete my writing. Goodnight.

Spaced out.

Today my practice has been all about space.

First, there was a big space between me waking up and me engaging my mind and body in a positive way. I did, however, go to the doctor. That was productive.

I finally sat down and thought about my spiritual health at around 10:30. I read part of the chapter on asana in Light on Life, and it proved to be just what I needed to relieve the stagnation I felt in my body after traveling and losing a little bit of faith in myself yesterday. Instead of straining my muscles to contort themselves into positions that they don't feel comfortable in, I worked on expanding my awareness to my fingertips and my toes (and everywhere in between) in order to create some stability in my pose. Whaddaya know, it worked. Instead of feeling like I've overstretched my muscles (which for some crazy reason sometimes feels good!), I feel like I have reconnected my mind with my body.

I needed that. Now I can learn to create space in my body without struggling against tension that I feel powerless to relieve. Tomorrow morning I am going to class (either Karen or Robin, I don't know yet), and I am going to remember this idea in my head for tomorrow morning if tv doesn't rot it out first.

Rot rot rot.

Speaking of rot, I need to stop drinking coffee altogether. It sucks that I've gotten to the coffee mecca, with espresso every two feet, and I am just recognizing that I should totally not drink it. It affects the stability in my concentration, just like television obviously does.

I'll get there eventually.

Two days, one stone.

We have arrived, safe and sound. Our trip was a perfect example of the transient nature of life. That sounds like the epitome of obvious, but it's more complicated than that. Our first day was absolute bliss. I felt whole, happy, and relaxed, and the day seemed to just unfold perfectly. We drove, and drove, and drove (for over 12 hours!), but I managed to consume two vegetarian meals instead of succumbing to the demon of convenience and scarfing down a hamburger My mind was focused on keeping my arm joints loose and my breathing deep. I sang a lot, employing the breathing technique that I used when I was hiking a few days ago. Singing from your hara rather than the chest really helps! I still wouldn't go as far to say that my singing voice is particularly pleasant to listen to, but I was able to hold my notes in the same way that I managed to make it up those last hills on our hike. It's really an issue of creating a line of stability from the chest to the abdomen and back again. When that part of the body is stable, the limbs can use that as a starting point to develop their own sense of stability and relaxation. After my mind had stayed in that positive place all day, I was totally ready for an awesome asana practice, which I had. The one shining moment from that practice that stands out in my mind was definitely Savasana. I am really getting better at moving deeper into the relaxation without verbal prompting. My reading for yesterday was a revision of my daily asanas and looking ahead to what I can expect next Monday and beyond from my course guide. So all in all, my day yesterday was a mentally and physically challenging and rewarding day.

Today was quite different from yesterday. I am not placing judgment on how or why the two days felt so different because I think it would be more helpful to simply lay out the events and contributing factors and let them speak for themselves. We woke up this morning and got a slow start because we couldn't decide on a place to get breakfast. We finally made a smart move and went to the grocery store for some basic, healthy staples that would tide us over until our sushi lunch with Nik in Portland. By the time we got to the grocery store though, I was already in a slightly bad mood and definitely tense with frustration. After breakfast, the other drivers on the road were not meeting my base standards for sharing the road with me, but unlike yesterday they were not at all accomodating for other drivers on the road. I fought with people driving unfairly pretty much all day, which also left tension and frustration. Whereas yesterday I was able to express my frustration with othe drivers without getting angry or spreading violence, today I was definitely not practicing ahimsa the way I should have been. That thought crossed my mind a few times as I was screaming at other people, but I was just so mad that I didn't feel at all in control of how I was expressing that anger. For now though, I'm not going to attack my road rage with a fine-tooth comb. All I want to do is calm it down a few notches so I don't feel like I am neglecting to practice ahimsa.

The break in Portland helped, but I broke my concentration on diet for cheap sushi. Looking at the big picture though, this road trip was much more successful than those past where vegetarianism is concerned. Again, that is not something I am going to beat myself up over. I am going to gradually phase out the last few influences that eating meat has on my life, and I am consciously working on that. The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, but now that we're home all I am is tired and and, admittedly, a little frustrated that I didn't have such a good day today. I did manage to read something and practice my asanas though... in fact, I borred Light on Life from my mom for my daily readings for the next week or so. So far, it's awesome! My reading today was just the introduction and first chapter that essentially laid out the basics that I've been reviewing in Iyengar's other books and on the internet. I feel like something is finally starting to sink in! Tomorrow I'll start my reading about asana with the intention of deepening my own practice. Tonight my muscles were very stiff and my knee still hurts from where I think I hyperextended it doing triangle pose a few days in a row. I can see some improvement though! Some days are just better than others in that respect.

I have faith that this progress will continue.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That was the theme of my practice today. I tried to just let myself be, let myself find the point of stability in my poses that I know I have. I am still in the process of awakening this energy, but it's coming one movement at a time.

We are leaving for Washington tomorrow morning. A friend of ours gave us a gift that I feel deep gratitude for, if for no other reason than that it reminds me that I don't need to waste my energy worrying on providing for my every want and desire--because they are fulfilled enough without much effort at all besides love and friendship. In fact, I think that it is one of the most genuinely nice things I have seen done in awhile. Those things relax my grip a little and open my heart to the possibility that I can just let go.

I want to let go. That is the motto for our trip.

Pause.

I almost forgot about my journal entry today! Sometimes I seem so hell-bent on filling time so I'm not "bored" that I forget to do important things that I want to make a part of my daily schedule! I only caught myself because I started talking to Zack about some progress I made in some of my standing poses today that came about directly from one of his suggestions. Instead of heading back downstairs and plugging in the old ethernet cord, this entry is being made possible by the super awesome program "Stickies." Thank you, Stickies.
Anyway, I did a lot of philosophy reading today after my anatomy-intensive Pranayama reading yesterday. I read an article about adhering to the five yamas, which led to my decision that, starting next week, I am going to pick a specific yama to focus on for two weeks before moving on to another one. I think that's a really good way to fully integrate those concepts into my practice. We'll see how it goes. I also read an article on extending that "yooooo" feeling that I get right after a good asana practice. I ended up sending that one to my mom - it focused on enjoying those moments of stillness, however fleeting they may be.

Pause.

My asana practice today went really well. As I said before, Zack helped me realize that I was hyperextending my knee in standing poses that required my feet to be spread more than three feet apart. That was obviously what was causing my ankle/shin pain the past few nights. I guess my muscles were so charged after my hike (and perhaps I was a little too proud of my accomplishments) that I started hyperextending my knees. Well, that's a lesson learned. Now I can almost put my whole hand on the ground in triangle, and everything else followed very nicely. I think I am starting to learn how not to force myself into these poses in favor of breathing into them. Reading a lot really seems to be enhancing my practice!

I think I am going to cut this one a little short tonight. I think I recorded all I wanted to record, and bed and a bowl await me (we all have our vices).

At rest.

I haven't done anything today (yet).

But I am no longer afraid that I will not get anything done if I wait until 10:18. Would I be more fulfilled if I did my practice earlier? Would I have benefitted from extra time afterwards to reflect on my practice? I think I would have enjoyed not being so stiff all day, and that some poses would have helped me feel better after that long hike yesterday. I think I would have felt much better mentally. In fact, I have been a little on edge all day. I haven't been able to concentrate on much and my interactions with people have been a little bit more difficult than usual.

I am not judging this, I am just observing it.

I have been trying all day to concentrate on regulating my breath. I remember for a few minutes until I get distracted with something else. Yesterday it was so much easier! I was able to concentrate on my breathing because the activity was much simpler. In everyday life, things are much more hectic than they are when I'm hiking. Like now for instance, I'm trying to type and watch tv at the same time. I know what I have to do, and I've known for a long time. I have to simplify things and stop directing my attention to forty million things at once.

Simplify?

What's 12 hours...

So I'm a little late... but I have great stuff to report, so I won't fault myself for it. Yesterday we went hiking at Point Reyes National Seashore. When we first got there, I was very frustrated. I had to pee really bad, and there were lots of slow people on the road, not to mention that the grocer we stopped at to get lunch did not have a public bathroom (good sandwiches, though). We finally made it to the visitors' center, grabbed a map and a made a pit stop, and we were off in search of a fulfilling hike. We drove to the trailhead for Tamales Point, but it was so crowded there that we decided to stop and picnic a bit before moving on to find a more deserted part of the park.

Our lunch spot was absolutely beautiful! To our left was a triangle of ocean water framed by two green hills. To our right were white buildings left over from an old ranch. We munched on our futzy sandwiches and tasty baked potato chips, then hit the road again towards a different part of the park. Down the road aways, we found our turnoff. We wound up a narrow back road until the end, parked, and finally started on our way.

And what a way it was.

We started downhill. We went down, and down, and down, and down. I started to get worried, seeing as all that downhill necessarily meant lots of uphill on the last leg of our trip. I started to panic a little bit, but Zack helped me decide that we were going to finish what we started. The trail was easy until we started heading back up. Then we went up, and up, and up, and up, and up, and UP. I thought those hills were never going to end. To make matters more challenging, I was carrying a heavier load on my back then ever have on a hike like that. Again, I was determined to finish out the hike, pack and all. Up and up we went, and darker and darker it got. I started to panic again, but thanks to Zack I am not still sitting there. We finally made it, and I can say I had the most fulfilling hike of my life. I totally proved something to myself yesterday:

I can breathe.

I spent the whole hike concentrating on my breathing. Of course, I've done that before, but my efforts have always been met with a tension in my chest. This time, I used the breathing technique that channels the energy from the inhalation up from the abdomen to the chest, then channels the exhalation back down again. That helped immesurably! Regardless of how hard my heart was pumping or how sore my muscles were, I concentrated on not letting my breath run away with me. It worked! I've never exerted that much physical effort without losing my breath. I am so excited. I feel like I've really made some progress, and even if I stopped putting any effort into cultivating my yoga practice (which is defintelynot going to happen), I would still have derived some life-long benefit from my efforts this past week. I am so proud of myself.

My asana practice last night was a little weak and tired, but I managed to get through everything but one pose. I'm still having trouble with my ankles in standing poses where my legs are spread and I have to move my feet in a certain direction. But hey, anything's possible now.

Procrastination?

So I haven't gotten around to my practice today. I'm actually sitting around staring at the television right now with a bit of a tummyache. I read a lot today though. I was rooting around yogajournal.com today looking for some breathing tips since I feel like that would really help me extend into poses and make room for more movement and comfort. I have always had a tension in my breath that has really prevented me from correctly doing certain poses, especially twists. It's not like this is the first time I've read about yogic breathing before, but I don't think I've ever realized how much of an impact the tension in my breath had on my practice. I get so caught up in trying to perfect my pose and force my body to do things that it doesn't want to do that I completely lose the rhythm of my breath. Obviously, if I redirect my determination to simple concentration on my breathing patterns, I will be able to get deeper into the asanas without putting myself through the effort and pain that I sometimes do.

I also read something interesting about shoulderstand that I think I should incorporate into my practice. I've always had problems with shoulderstand, although recently I've resolved my issue with staying in the pose. Now I want to really perfect the asana, but I hit a brick wall with my lack of ability to pull my legs up over my shoulders from a horizontal position. At first I went in search of a way to strengthen my abs, but I think the best way to go is to gradually teach myself how to do this particularly important pose the right way, slowly, without putting pressure on myself to be able to do it perfectly right away. I should use the wall like the article in Yoga Journal said, using the techniques they suggest to perfect my chin bandha and my confidence in an inverted pose.

I need to focus my energy! But I am content with where I am right now.

Determination

I've spent the past few hours trying to fulfill my reading for the day by browsing through the "Yoga Journal" website. I was pleasantly surprised! I know from experience that I like the magazine, but I'm not a big magazine subscriber. I read some really great (albeit short) articles tonight that really got me thinking. One in particular, which was actually the answer to a question, led me to decide on my writing topic for tonight: determination.

I always lacked determination. Whether it was piano, horseback riding, or even school, I had the talent but I lacked the determination. My whole life, I've been determined to be determined, but I don't think I ever made it to the point of determination. When I started this journal, I was determined to succeed at something. After living my life thus far being sure that I "could" accomplish something, I wanted to set out and actually accomplish it. That still feels like my goal, but after reading the little blip on yogajournal.com, I think that I should rethink my focus. I am way too focused on "getting into the right position" or "practicing exactly the right way." What am I doing this for, anyway? Perfection? No. I am doing this to feel better and to live better in this body and in myself.

I need to relax, man!

I need to stop worrying about my potbelly, my short legs, and all my tension, because worrying is going to make all these things worse (or at least more of an obstacle to my practice). This is not like a sport or like anything else I have done before, but I want it to affect how I live my life from now on. I think I am just nervous about starting over with a clean slate because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or that I know what's right for myself.

I do.

I need to trust myself, challenge myself and have FAITH in mySELF to do this... which is definitely not something that I have ever done before. I am my own teacher for now. Perhaps at some point I will find a teacher that I really click with, but right now I want that to be me. I need to stop clenching my hara, but breathe into it. I need to stop trying to mold my body with my mind, but instead let them move in harmony. I can do what is right for myself without having to mold and bend to someone else's idea of what is right. Let me leave my guilt about not "trying hard enough" in the past. Right now all that is stopping me from doing what is right is my lack of self-confidence. I need to take it slow and make my own path.

I need to replace determination with faith.

I can.

Headache

Today was not quite as fulfilling as yesterday. I find myself lacking for reading material that will inspire me like the stuff I read yesterday, although I'm sure that's pretty absurd given the wealth of information available to me on the internet.

So here's the real deal... I didn't read anything today. Instead, we went to La Casita, Bryan and Jeff came over, and I ate a lot of ice cream and the rest of my vietnamese food. I had a headache that came and went pretty much all day. In honor of this misery that is extending into its third day straight, I am going to start keeping a headache journal as well as a yoga journal all in one blog. It has been suggested to me to do this many times, but I couldn't be bothered. Now I think I'm starting to get worried.

So I didn't read today; that has been laid out on the table. I did get around to doing my asana practice at around 2:00 am, but I shortened it considerably. I think I did this for a few reasons - I was not quite as successful with triangle as I was yesterday, I couldn't remember how to do the second one, and Zack wanted to smoke a bowl. When I gave up on my regular practice, I decided to try a few of the poses that Iyengar suggested for headaches so I wouldn't feel like I had abandoned my practice altogether.

I did a sitting forward bend at first. It really felt like it was doing something, but that productivity manifested itself as a heating sensation in my chest and a realization that the point where my neck and shoulders meet is very, very tense. That is useful information as far as headaches go, but it doesn't make me any less worried that there is something seriously imbalanced in my brain. All I can do for now is keep doing as much yoga as I think I can (which should be just as much as I told myself I was going to do!). After the forward bend, I asked Zack to help me get into a shoudlerstand (so I wouldn't hurt myself just trying to get up!). This effort was much more successful than yesterday's attempt, but it still pointed out that pressure at the base of my neck. I should keep an eye on that.

Today my headache was helped by those two yoga poses and Bach's Rescue Remedy. I'll keep track of what is successful and what isn't in an effort to fix this problem.

I also want to remind myself that even though I didn't fulfill everything I wanted to today, I did pry myself out of bed after taking a five-hour headache nap to do my asanas before I went to sleep for good. I usually don't push myself to do things, so even if I didn't complete my practice like I had planned, I still feel like I am making progress. Tomorrow, I want to figure out what else I can continue reading so I can support my yoga practice intellectually, which I have noticed that I actually like doing. In fact, I don't think I have willingly done this much reading and writing in a long time! It feels good.

...but could it be the cause of my headache? Oh jeez.

Held together

Today taught me that life is lived one moment at a time. I woke up this morning to a mediocre start: we stayed in bed for awhile, which was a nice luxury that I don't afford myself all that often anymore. I was having hip cramps this morning after our hike yesterday, which is probably a sign that I should work more on relaxing my hips while I'm hiking. Now they're awesome, thanks to my great practice this evening. After we got back from lunch with Bwana and I relaxed for awhile, I dutifully sat down and read the rest of the "Introduction" chapter of Iyengar's Light on Yoga. I flipped through the beginning of the Pranayama section of that book, but I think I'm going to take one step at a time instead of filling my head with ideas that I'm not quite ready for yet. Feeling fulfilled yet still longing for more reading, I decided to just plunge in and do my asana practice for the day.

I was having a little trouble when I first started my practice. I got into Tadasana well, but then Vrkasana really through me for a loop. In retrospect, it was probably a matter of lingering stiff hips from yesterday's hike. In any event, I became frustrated when I couldn't get my right foot high enough of my left thigh. Of course, that tensed me up even more and made it even harder. After I forced out 20 seconds on that side to match the fairly effortless time on the other, I paused to think about the futility of the effort I had just expended. Moving on to triangle, I focused on feeling light and still... and it was awesome! After all these years of forcing myself into poses, I found the right way to do them. Subtlety! It's all about subtle movements and stability. Perhaps that won't mean as much to me tomorrow, but right now I feel like something is starting to click.

I will not let myself get thrown off track by being too hard on myself.

but

I will not let myself get thrown off track by being too easy on myself.

Like I read today, the path to yoga is like a razor-thin blade.

Good evening.

Today was very productive and satisfying. I woke up and did my yoga course almost right away. It was a little frustrating this morning - I really need some tips on my shoulderstand since it is hard for me to get up without throwing my legs over my head and thus hurting my lower back. I tried to do "the stillness thing" in my head, got Zack to help me (which resulted in more frustration), but finally I got up. I feel like my legs are strong and my arms are strong (almost to a fault), but my entire abdomen is just a pile of goo that connects the two poorly.

I will work on strengthening my core through conscious effort.

I haven't gotten around to my reading yet, but I can't say it was because of laziness or procrastination. We went on a 7-mile hike in Portola State Park today that wore me out to the point that I came home, ate some burritos, and went to sleep with a headache. I hope that through conscious practice I can cure whatever is causing these damn things... it really throws me off. At least I'm awake and refreshed now, but not so refreshed that I don't think I can go back to sleep in a half hour or so. I just don't think that will give me time to read. No sense in doubling up tomorrow - I don't want to stretch myself. Non-violence includes the eyes too, I'm sure. Anyway, the hike was awesome. Not too strenuous, but long enough that I did have to align my thoughts with the present steps and not with the end. For some reason, every time my mind strayed from the right path all I could think of was hamburgers and french fries. I think that's a good way to realize that my immediate desires are fleeting and sometimes, well, stupid... or at least not what I really want. I did end up quenching my fast food thirst, but it was with 2 taco bell burritos. I'll admit, that food is not exactly organic... but at least it wasn't meaty.

I think I need to work on my faith. I am pretty solid on many of the other concepts I read about yesterday, but I find myself stopping when I get to faith. I tried it on for size today, but I think my faith muscle is very weak, like my stomach.

I will work on strengthening my faith through conscious effort.

It's funny how it works that way.

Concentrated.

This time, it will happen. This will not be another passing interest that doesn't hold my interest long enough to be meaningful. I've spent six years passively contorting my body, but now I want to still my mind. This is my life plan.

I will practice non-violence.
I will practice truth.
I will practice non-stealing.
I will practice continence.
I will practice non-coveting.

I will practice purity.
I will practice contentment.
I will practice ardour.
I will practice the study of Self.
I will practice the love of God.

I am making a promise to myself, and no one else, to hold to these precepts. I will not get anywhere without building blocks, and I need to allow myself to climb them slowly but surely. For the first time in perhaps my whole life, I am trying to approach something without already having formualted a plan to get through it by cutting corners and squeezing by. I want authenticity. I want to be authentic.

Perhaps I should set out some simple goals to accomplish every day:
Follow asana course once a day
Read about 30 pages that relate to the study of Self
Update journal

To start, that is what I am going to do. I hold myself to these three tasks every day with love.

Today, I learned that calm and stillness are inextricably important in my life. Without the cultivation of these states, I find myself lost in a sea of stimuli with no way to digest or expel anything that I've absorbed. However, I can't always control what I'm taking in. I need to cultivate my own stillness instead of rearranging outside forces in an attempt to create serenity inside. If I create peacefulness inside, I can spread it outside, thereby creating a more calm atmosphere for everyone.