Still Here

Well, it's been a few days since I posted, but things have been pretty good. Yesterday was super productive. I started my morning routine just as Zack pulled out of the driveway, and I got everything done that I wanted to do before I was supposed to teach my class. I was feeling a little nervous about teaching, but I had a good practice after lunch that really helped me work through some teaching strategies on hip awareness. Come 4:15, however, Barbie called to let me know that the restaurant was too messy for yoga after the construction they were doing all day. So I ended up having the night off after all.

I can't lie, I was grateful to have the night off. No matter how much I can try to talk myself out of it, I am still nervous to teach. At the same time, I've spent a lot of time examining these feelings, and the fear that I feel around teaching seems more manageable because I have looked at it from all sides. I know that I feel apprehensive to teach because I want to be able to play out every classroom situation in my head before it happens, and I can't possibly predict every possible scenario. In the past, this fear would have eventually driven me away from teaching altogether. However, now that I am aware of my attempts to control situations in this way, I can ascribe the fear creeping up inside to this behavior pattern. Seeing around the cloud of fear, or even perhaps through it, is much more comforting than being surrounded by a fog. I can only hope that eventually the fog will lift. Sunshine, anyone?

Today was equally relaxing. Zack took the day off of work to fend off an impending illness, and so we got to spend the day together lollygagging. I still managed to get my morning routine partially done, and although I didn't get out to the grocery store, I did get dinner on the table thanks to my planning ahead weeks ago when the raviolis were on sale. The rest of the day was spent cross-stitching, working on my application (almost done!) and playing the Sims. Now the kitchen is clean, I have a kitty next to me, and I find myself willingly in front of the computer typing away. That is happening a lot more lately, even if not as much as I would like.

There has been a shift. A few months ago, all of the inner work I've done felt like it hadn't even scratched the surface. It might not have. However, I feel like a big block has been moved out of the way that helps me glimpse the light of possibility far more often than I used to be able to. I know it can't be totally ascribed to my change of space, as the last few months have served as a reminder that happiness is not guaranteed even in the best of circumstances. It really is that I am able to align myself with joy lately, and that is giving me the energy I need to get things done.

Brain flash: the energy I was missing is not ever going to be generated inside of me. I need to connect to the source.

That'll do.

Messy is so relative.

I really don't want to contribute to the atmosphere of fear anymore.

It used to be that being anxious all the time was reserved for a select few. Even after our country was attacked by a bunch of extremists, people settled down pretty quickly and for the most part, felt safe. The smart ones did, anyway. But now? It's in the air. It's punching holes in our economy. Advertising agencies and politicians alike are exploiting it.

Strangely, I feel removed from that fear. Of course, and I am working on having some perspective on this, I am not all that invested in our economy. I am not "losing" anything. Well, that is not true. My own investments are nosediving steadily, worth half at the end of 2008 what they were in 2007. I also spent a few frustrating months trying to fight against fate and get a job, and now I'm happily "unemployed," earning just enough money to keep our heads above water. Of course, if anything big happens, I have my parents there to back me up. Not a lot of people have that. But even if I didn't have that... what would the use be in fearing the future? It hasn't helped me at all so far in the little things, so why would I trust something as iffy as my financial future to fear?

Nothing good ever comes from negative energy.

This and that.

Just a short one tonight.

I flitted around today, since my energy was only coming in short bursts. I made some progress on the house, but it is interesting how my routines fell apart so quickly and now everything is messy again.

But definitely not as dirty as it could be!

So I got a lot done, but still no reading and no practice today. That migraine really sidetracked my whole week. I still had a headache when I woke up this morning, but now it's pretty much gone. Lots of tension in my neck and shoulders, though.

I'm not going to push it. More tomorrow.

Excuses, excuses.

OK, so I totally have an excuse for not writing yesterday.

Migraine. Uggghhh.

Does that mean that June is going to suck?

Anyway, so yesterday was spent mostly sleeping. In between violent bouts of puking and begging for some sort of divine assistance. I will withhold the rest of the details.

So in comes today, with all of its pain-free (almost) potential. Of course, the day after a migraine always feels like a hangover, minus the fun part the night before. I guess I technically started my day at 3am, when I woke up after a marathon thirteen hours of sleeping after giving up the day before at 11am (I was technically out of bed for an hour, during which I drove to Silverdale to pick up Zack. I won't consider it sleeping, but I won't really consider it awake either.) I laid awake for about thirty five minutes, trying to fall back to sleep so I wouldn't completely lose my sleep schedule for today. I eventually did, but the time in between was full of tossing and turning with respites of petting the Moose.

I woke up again around 5:30, but managed to squeeze in another hour after I passed that magical time during which my body actually wants to be awake in the morning. I finally hauled out of bed after Zack was done with his shower, and I spent a relatively quiet morning in front of ER (Galant died today) and Las Vegas (they are still unraveling the post-Monica robbery) before taking another opportunity to mourn the loss of my 10am King of the Hill. OK, so I watch too much TV when Zack is at school. It's not so much that I watch it, but I like to have the verbal company while I'm alone all day. The kitties provide a warm heartbeat, but they don't speak. Anyway, while the television was on in the background, I managed to do some much-needed work for Subha as well as make some serious progress on my application to massage school. I did not know it would be so involved, but I guess it kind of makes me feel better that it is. I like the idea of going back to a school where I have to write an essay to get in.

After I ate some lunch (veggie chili, yum), I decided to relax for awhile. Truthfully, I don't really remember what I did between 12:30 and 2:30, but my best guess is languishing in front of the TV while browsing the web, or continuing to plug away at my application. Then I called AAA to get Bad Bad Leroy Brown's battery jumped (that would be Zack's Chevy s10, by the way), and an hour later a very nice man showed up to help me out. I will definitely not mind paying my yearly membership this month, that's for damn sure. Pays for itself every year, it seems. It would be nice to not get into so many scrapes... but where would the fun be in that? After that, I was pretty bushed, so I have been pretty much in the same position since then: curled up in a pappazan chair with a kitty (or two!) and watching TV while reading humorous test drive notes from the Car Talk website. God I love those guys. Blasphemously so.

So what is my big aha moment for today? Maybe that nothing is going to be perfect. So maybe June is going to be a big migraine, and July will be a lazy, yet productive month. I think I can be OK with that, provided that my whole month is not as bad the whole way through as yesterday was. Or hopefully this experiment will be an epic failure. Does it really matter? I'll make it through anyway. Stuff doesn't really get worse, it just gets different until I look back on it.

Minute post.

Taught today. Tired. I pulled it off.

Not much of a feat.

Done.

Timing is everything.

Today was truly relaxing. Nothing happened, snow fell, my mind feels still.

I woke up around 8:45 and got myself ready to practice. Moving felt soooo good after yesterday's stillness. The rotator muscles in my hips (particularly the piriformis) have been hurting me again lately--a symptom of sitting too much--so I focused my efforts this morning on stabilizing and stretching those long, weak muscles. Warrior II felt particularly good, with my hip adductors stretching and my abductors holding me in place. I did some Sun Salutations, did some transitional poses, then moved onto my side for some leg lifts and hip circles to strengthen the rotators. Contracting all of the muscles in my lower abdomen certainly did some favors for my digestive system today :). After a few counterposes, I was ready for savasana. No still mind for me today, but the practice was certainly refreshing, and much needed for the rest of the day.

Following my practice was a good, old-fashioned, Sim binge. For Christmas, Zack promised me two days over break where I could just relax, play the Sims, and not have to worry about cooking or cleaning or... anything! I had a really wonderful time today keeping my mind focused on something fun. Remembering the thoughts I had last night on just enjoying the time away from responsibilities, I was able to really let go and relax. This intention carried over into my playing style, as well. Whereas I would usually be strategically planning my Sims actions out for specific goals, today I was enjoying the simplicity of watching the little digital people go about life. I directed one of the Sims to switch on some nice music, and for the first time in a little while I really felt myself relax. I tried to keep this going all day, and for the most part I succeeded. Instead of worrying how much I was getting done, or how I was using my time, I just enjoyed being in the moment. I certainly feel much better now than I usually do after 8 hours of staring at a screen, pressing buttons. Who knew that I could turn playing the Sims into a practice as well?

Not that I am making excuses to play more Sims or anything :)

After my allotted binge time (8 hours) was up, I gave my sewing project some more attention with the same idea in my head: take it at a leisurely pace, don't force anything. This was like level 2 of holding this intention, since sewing does require an amount of precision and control. How do you control something without being forceful? Ah, another practice. So I made some straps for my new bag and pinned them to the fabric that will make up the outside of the bag. I went to sew them onto the bag, but my eyes decided they were too tired to fool with that. Instead of stubbornly fighting fatigue, here I am at my computer, typing away.

Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day. In the morning, I have an appointment for a massage (yay!) at 9:15. After that, I need to run some errands (like mail some Christmas gifts! Oh my). I need to think about what I'm teaching in class tomorrow night, and I need to do some more work for Subha. It's also my intention to get going on my routines again, since this house is getting to be a little bit of a wreck. I can feel myself getting a little bit apprehensive about diving back in to "real life," but I really want to start out working in 2009 with a good attitude about my qualifications as a teacher and, really, as a person capable of caring for myself and a household. I think a good mantra for tomorrow is going to be "go with the flow."

Mmm.

Day Three

I am not sure what to make of today. It felt a little... off. My eyes opened at 8:45 at the insistence of Zack, in an effort to make sure that we got out of the house before the main breakfast rush at Barbie's. I dutifully got out of bed and meandered into the living room, where I remember making a comment to Zack about being on WoW again. This could have started into an argument, but it didn't. Instead, we brushed past it, and I went in to brush my teeth and wash my face while he finished up.

In the end, nothing really needed to be said, but it does bother me that Zack has been glued to his computer every morning of his vacation. I know that this really has very little to do with my feelings towards the game; rather, I recognize this feeling as the same one I have when I'm judging myself for getting glued to a screen. When the judgment is directed at myself, I can't stop thinking about the productive tasks I could otherwise be giving my attention to, or how sitting for so long is undoing the work I have done repatterning the musculature in my hips, or how playing the Sims just makes me want to play more Sims, forever and ever. For some reason, when I see Zack playing his game I worry about all of these things for him, and I get mad that he isn't worried about it as well. Yes, Zack plays on his computer too much. Yes, it probably prevents him from having to deal with some emotional, physical, blah blah blah. But he enjoys it, and it's not for me to interrupt that with my useless negative energy.

Nothing good ever came out of pouring negative energy into it!

OK, so moving on. We went to Barbie's and had a great breakfast. I confirmed with the ladies that we would have our yoga class on Monday, which I am looking forward to. I'd like to go into a diatribe so I can overthink my teaching experience before I have it, but I'm just not going to. It was a very lovely breakfast. Zack and I watched some loons in the water outside the window while we waited for our food. I never noticed that the feathers around their head and necks puff out when the ducks come back up from a dive. They suck them in again right before diving... so cute! Anyway, that was really the big highlight of breakfast, aside from the tasty food.

When we got home, Zack invited me to play The Sims for a couple of hours. When I finished, I was faced with the familiar challenge of how to fill the rest of my day. I set about loading some new music onto my iPhone, which took forever since I had to burn the CDs and then transfer the music. Then I decided I was hungry, so after unsucessfully whining at Zack to make me a ham and cheese sandwich, I threw together a bagel with cream cheese and some refried beans with corn chips. Needless to say, the meal was a little... starchy.

After that, I finally set out to start my second sewing project: a handbag out of some red print canvas fabric. Sewing is quite the opposite of playing The Sims for me: it requires a sharp mind and a lot of breathing, as well as good body mechanics. It's kind of like a good yoga practice, when you think about it. So that's where I've been for the last long while, with a break for making Grit tofu and stir fry.

I think I could have used some time outside time today, but after recapping the day I think that I spent it pretty well. It's important to have some downtime, but after the last two weeks of downtime I am feeling a little... stagnant. We'll see how I feel when vacation is over!

I like to be here when I can.

Day 2, update.

This morning did not begin with moosey kisses, nor yoga, nor the newness of the new year. We did have a fire, though.

This morning is a bit blank for me. I do remember that we had the TV on for awhile, but I actually got bored of pictures and switched to our Sirius jazz channel. But what did I do this morning? I remember being really hungry and whining at Zack to make breakfast. That has turned into quite the ritual over the last two weeks. I remember the fire. I remember looking at the clock and realizing it had gotten to be 11am all over again. I read some of Zen and the Art of Everything in there somewhere.

At around 11:30, we watched Kung Fu Panda. I do wish that the moral of the movie had not been hidden behind so many racist and/or fat jokes. But, all of the stereotypes aside, I did find a little bit of joy in seeing a children's movie (and Disney, nonetheless) that taught a lesson not found in Judeo-Christian morality. The dumpling scene was pretty cool, too. I kept meaning to do some "work" on my computer while the movie was on, but I never quite got around to it.

We ate the rest of our New Year's Eve dinner for lunch after the movie, then went for a walk after our food digested. The time outside with Zack today was as nice as yesterday, although like I said before the day felt less magical now that the reality of 2009 has sunk in. What is the reality of 2009? The only consistency I have regularly noticed so far is the similarity 2009 might have with 2008 if I don't work to change some of my habits. Walking two days in a row, journaling two days in a row, these are good indications that this year could be different (especially if my grandfather was right), but me and my vrttis are still present. I felt it this morning: the pull to be a little lazier than yesterday, the lack of motivation, the desire to get sucked into some mundane task on my computer. Then some fear sets in, which reveals itself to me now as a lack of faith. The faith in myself that I can possibly live with some wellness in my life was definitely wavering this morning. However, despite the "odds," I got out there and enjoyed a walk, even taking the time to remind myself periodically to savor the moment. And I did.

Once the walk was over, I did some more "hibernating" in front of my computer. I also did some chip scarfing: magical first chip scarfing of the year. It did feel a little different, since there was some softening to my usual fervor that consists of: stuff hand in bag, dip chips in salsa, cram results in pie hole. There was a trickle more mindfulness present in my actions, and I credit that for allowing me to put the chips and salsa away before I really gave myself a big tummy ache. Victoriously, I walked away with only a little one. I did not walk away without a big dose of self-judgement, although I was not directing this energy at my eating habits. The topic of my thoughts was really how stuck I felt in front of my computer. The TV wasn't on--just music--but I stubbornly languished in front of a task that, finally, I determined should not have been undertaken in the first place. Of course, instead of just realizing that and walking away, I sat there and had a little civil war in my head over how difficult it could possibly be to pry myself away and go do something useful. Like make muffins. Muffins are way more useful than a scaled-down lentil soup recipe.

In the end, I decided that useful muffins will get made tomorrow. I can usually placate my keen sense of shame by assuring myself that I will start all over tomorrow and do things right. My whole New Year's scheme is certainly tied into this tendency, but at least I am writing. And reading. And walking.

Anyway, once I finally got off of my tucas, I plopped back down on it to hang out with Zack at the gaming station/dinner table. Once I made my pit stop, the rest of my long journey from chair to kitchen seemed far less arduous. I managed to clean up the breakfast/lunch/yesterday's dishes mess, get the kitchen into some sort of reasonable looking state, and get some leftovers on the table for us to eat. The mini peppers I made yesterday reheated very well, as did the rice. Tasty all around, especially for leftovers. Since then, I read some more D&P (I only have to read 10 pages a day to finish the damn thing by the end of the month!), and now here I sit, dutifully typing.

Imma go pet the moose now.

Day One

I had lunch with my parents recently, and we were on the subject of holiday celebrations. My dad was sharing his childhood experiences of New Year's, reminiscing about my grandfather's superstitions around this time of year. Apparently he used to believe that whatever you do during the first twelve days of the year is indicative of how you will spend the next twelve months. I'm a sucker for a soothsayer, but I am also a skeptic. So, if I can manage it, I am going to post about my day for the next twelve days, then look back during 2009 and see if my grandfather's belief rings true for me as well.

So here goes...

I woke up today to the sounds of the cats being fed, but I stayed in bed a little while until Moose came to investigate the matter of my whereabouts after his morning meal. After receiving a few nosy kisses, I stumbled out of bed into the chilly living room and got my bearings as Zack started a fire. We agreed over our second bottle of wine last night that we would start 2009 with a yoga session, so we warmed ourselves up with some stretching. It started as a bit of a shaky practice since we were both a little cold and cranky, but we both ended up learning something new in the end. For me, it was a bit of a lesson in letting go of the ego as a teacher... Zack was working through some of his own stuff on the mat, and I was trying to get involved and take it personally. At least I caught myself and practiced letting go, which became the theme of the practice for both of us in the end.

Once yoga was over, Zack and I shared some coffee and I did my big card reading for the year in front of the fire, with Moose weaving in and out of the scene. It looks like the next year is going to be pretty great: I'll be doing lots of work with balance, energy, and just plain old enjoying life. I think I'm due for one of those! After yoga and reading the cards, Zack and I were shocked to realize that it was almost 11:30! He moseyed into the kitchen to make a special breakfast for us: cheese omelets, half a bagel, mashed potato patties, and baconbaconbacon. Mmm mmm. Enough said.

We digested our brunch and hung around, with Zack glued to WoW while I cleaned up a little bit more of the holiday cheer lying around the house. When I got sick of cleaning, I sat down and started on Discipline and Punish. Yes, for a New Year's post, this has been devoid so far of a "resolution" per se. Well, here it is: I am going to read two books a month. For some, this may seem like a literature drought, but for me this will be a deluge. I have certainly read a few books in total over the last year, but I decided (also during the second bottle last night!) that I would like to build my cache of social capital and expand my horizons by filling in some of the blanks left by my slacking at Simon's Rock. So I asked my literary sweetie to make a stack of twelve books from our library to satisfy this goal. This morning I went through the list and picked twelve books from my yoga library to pair with Zack's suggestions, and now I have my work cut out for me.

Along with Discipline and Punish, I'll be reading Zen and the Art of Anything by Hal French this month. I chose this book for January because I distinctly remember sitting at my friend Megan's house on January 1st, 2002 (?), writing a promise to myself in one of my many attempted journals that I would read the book and write in the journal every day. Yep. So my expectations of myself are a little more open-ended this year. I'll read the book in a month, but write about it? We'll see if I have the energy to do that after this colossal post.

So let's see... after my first section of Foucault, Zack and I strapped our boots on and packed a snack for a walk in Guillemot Cove park down the street from us. The walk was exactly what I needed after being pretty cooped up over the last few weeks with snow, work, and laziness. We walked down the hill with the intention of eating cheese and crackers by the water, but the usually flooded trail to the beach was even more flooded than usual. So we hiked over to the maple loop and ate under a particularly fuzzy cedar tree. We huffed back up the big hill and trudged back to our cottage in the misty afternoon. It's nice that the sun is not going down at 4:15 anymore.

After we peeled our boots off and thawed out a little bit, we started preparing our gringo feast of Mini Chile Rellenos, Mexican Rice, and refried beans (no link necessary, they came from a can). YUM. Nothing could quite top our extravagant New Year's Eve feast of dungeness crab cakes preceeded by bacon-topped scallops, but it definitely stood up to following that tough act. So, after doing the gazillion dishes that needed to be done after such a day of gastronomic delight, I am sitting here typing what has turned into a very long entry. I guess that makes up for the last six months, right? ;) Do I dare say... more tomorrow?