In the thick of it

It is very tiring wishing you were somewhere else all the time. It's not that I'm ever particularly sad about what I am doing, but sometimes I want so badly to be doing something else that it makes whatever I am trying to do unbearable. Take today for instance... Monday is my long day. I work from 8:30 am to 9:30 pm at two separate jobs. Having two part-time jobs sucks because you are still just a part-time employee of both places so no one thinks you do very much in either place. Nor do you have time to really do anything meaningful, at or outside work.

I am endeavoring to teach, but I'm running into this wall again of not getting my work done in a fashion that makes it meaningful and thus useful rather than rushed and parroted. I need to feel more comfortable being present in any given moment, but it seems that every time I sit down to do something that involves my full attention I instantly want something on in the background to entertain me. The very idea of teaching for an hour makes me think dreadful thoughts because I just don't want to concentrate on any one thing for that long.

I am so exhausted! I'm running around in circles spending all this energy for no reason. The least I could do for myself is make it a meaningful and enriching experience. OK. Intention for tomorrow: be more present, especially with unpleasant thoughts.

I had a lovely meditation tonight at the Yoga Barn with Franca, but I can feel the effects starting to wear off as I sit in front of the computer and read nasty things on the internet--child molestation, war, it can all be very upsetting and overwhelming. I can feel my heart closing over itself again, saying "no, I'm not dealing with this." It numbs out. I find myself wanting to change the subject to why something outside is upsetting me, but I know that it comes from the inside.

Franca's card tonight said that I should allow myself time to heal. I feel like I want to slip into victim mode as a way of fulfilling that for myself, but I know that is not what was meant. I need to open up, but allow myself to do so in a gradual way that will not cause everything to just close up again. I keep butting my head up against the same wall, but no amount of skull-bashing is going to tear it down. I think my next step is not bashing my head against the wall.

With that, I am going to take a bath.

eight minutes

I am pausing between cleaning and ER to write a short journal entry. I spent most of today with my dad in Seattle and Issaquah, first at the boat show at Qwest Field and then on to errands in Issaquah at Target and The Grange and then onto lunch at The 12th Street Cafe. We had lots of fun looking at all the different boats, and I think we settled on one particularly comfy looking Smokercraft that has nice swivel chairs and a Honda motor that my dad liked. Boats are expensive! They had some boats there that were probably a million dollars--the three story yachts (which I will never pronounce properly again; thank you, John Traylor).

It feels harder to track where my thoughts are coming from when I am having a good time. I am much more apt to start questioning my thoughts when they are unpleasant; however, it is when we think we are satisfied that we are setting ourselves up for the worst suffering, right? Vipariyaya. Mine was very evident when I was having a political discussion with my dad today. It is apparent that I know very little except what I can regurgitate from the left-wing media blather. I'm sure that my dad feels the same way about his right-leaning tendencies. That's what makes our conversations so utterly interesting and useless all at the same time.

I still don't know how you know you know yet.

Or do I?