Push, dammit, push.

I'd like to say that this is an "aha" moment, and in some ways it feels like one.

But, to me, an "aha" moment should be bathed in surprise. It implies something you never thought of before. Since I have had this thought many times, in many different ways, I am not surprised by it in the least bit. "Duh" moment sounds a little too harsh though, since it lacks recognition that this is a deep lesson for me to learn that pervades the layers of my being.

Feeling the need to push, to achieve, in every area of my life is overshadowing the joy that I could be feeling at any given moment. This is especially true when all of the pushing, the judgment, and the stress ultimately leads to failure. No wonder I am so exhausted all the time. The thing is, I have never had enough faith in myself that I could get something done without going through this whole process. That's what hard work is, right?

Not anymore.

I believe that my new roadmap to productivity of any sort should start with a blank slate. No pressure to complete the task perfectly, or even well, is required. With the absence of the mind chatter that is involved to dream up these unattainable standards, I can rely faithfully on my intuition and grace in order to get things done.

This thought came to mind while I was thinking about practicing this morning. I was very much looking forward to my meditation as a way to continue the relatively centered feeling of the morning, but when I thought about straightening up the interesting shape my spine is trying to form with a little yoga, my mood instantly turned a little sour. This has been happening frequently as of late, which is surprising because my reaction used to be in favor of asana over meditation. Since I found myself in a peaceful mood anyway, my knee-jerk reaction was tempered by a desire to watch the emotion unfold without immediately drumming up a response.

As I allowed myself to feel this resistance fully without getting absorbed by it, I realized that this familiar, dark cloud was really fear of failure. Since I had my first inkling that I might want to join teacher training with Robin, there was a running commentary in my head that I needed to transform into this other being in order to be "successful" at yoga. Since then, I have felt similar "aha" moments to the one I am having right now: this continuous desire to wriggle out of my own skin and adopt the habits and mentalities of a completely different person is just not helpful. This is especially true when the pressure to transform is so great that I can barely wash my face in the morning without having a huge heart attack about not getting it done.

What's really true is that I am capable of walking over to the bathroom and getting ready this morning. After that, I am capable of enjoying a full and intelligently crafted yoga practice, complete with ten minutes of meditation to close. After that, I will read a chapter of Energy Anatomy. Then it will be time to get to work, and I am certainly capable of complete the meager todo list I have so far. If I have to add a few things, that will be OK too. And if I don't get it all done, there's always tomorrow.

I am also capable of doing these things without fear as a motivator.

om shanti.