Doin' the best I can

So, I've succeeded in keeping my bhavana at least in the background of most my days. I've been having a rough week. Zack is gone and I kind of got really overwhelmed with work and all the stuff I have to do over the next few weeks. I think tonight I'm feeling better about it though. I may not be actively separating myself from my mind, but I think the idea is floating around in my head much more forcefully than it was before.

Today at work I was feeling frustrated with myself for being frustrated with Harrison (oh boy, that sounds even funnier now that I've typed it). I would really love to be able to be in a peaceful state all the time, but I shouldn't just beat myself up for it just because I'm not automatically there! In the present moment, that's where I was. I think the first thing I need to do is accept that before I can move on to changing it. We talked about this in our sutra study group last Thursday... it's not enough just to not have the undesirable emotions. I have to really focus on them and know them before I can let them go. atha. Be in the present moment, not in a state where you are wishing you weren't there. That is totally what I need to work on, because it is essentially what drives my life. Even if I'm feeling like utter garbage, I need to meet myself in that place rather than run away from it. Only then will I be living in the present.

Well, that was pretty productive. My mantra: Atha yoganusasanam.

As for my practice, I only did three sun salutations this morning. However, I've started working with ujjayi breathing as a way to keep myself focused on the breath. It has helped a lot--I can monitor my breathing a lot better when I can hear a sound instead of just feeling the tension when it's there. I think I'm going to set up a private session with Robin when she comes back so I can get to the bottom of this anxiety/tension/breathing thing that I am coming to realize are much much much more related than I previously thought they were. Wow, something just released deep in my chest after I typed that. Cool.

My awareness is slowly getting better. Again, it's all about meeting myself at the current moment rather than running away from it. Sure, I don't particularly want to feel "like this," but I can't just ignore it by channeling my awareness elsewhere. I have to be fully aware of it before I can realize what's going on. Babysteps! I think ujjayi is a good way to start.