Unperfect.

Well, I haven't updated my blog in a few days. I think the theme of this week has been non-practice. I have been so intent on not letting everything get to me or slow me down that it finally has. Zack left yesterday and I miss him a lot. I probably won't get to see him for two weeks, which is a long time. I guess I feel kind of isolated--I really haven't made any new friends my age here, and while I love my yoga sangha, they all have their own lives and established routines. I don't feel like I quite fit there yet. The trouble is, I feel so separated from other people my age. I also have very little time to have fun these days.

I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. My vrttis have been wildly waltzing around a lot lately, some in productive directions and some notsomuch. My mind has an idea of where it thinks "happiness" is, and I am beginning to know it's not there, but this interrim is kind of depressing. I know that I'm not going to find happiness by going out and partying all the time, but that's what my mind wants to do. No, that's what my mind wants to do. I need to stop identifying with that urge and realize that it is a part of my mind's nostalgia for what it thinks it once had.

I need to let go.

I am in this new transformative stage of my life, but every step I take is both perpetuated and hindered by fear. I guess I can't figure out who I am beyond, well, who I used to want to be. I know that I'm heading in the right direction, but ::whine:: it's so hard! Every time I get inspired, I leave the situation that prompts that excitement and return to my normal state of lassitude. I think that this is a necessary phase though--everyone needs a little bit of discomfort to really ease into what they want their lives to be and to become great people, right? I have to step out of being accustomed to having it all, all the time, at any cost.

I do not want to be a visitor in my own self.