In the thick of it

It is very tiring wishing you were somewhere else all the time. It's not that I'm ever particularly sad about what I am doing, but sometimes I want so badly to be doing something else that it makes whatever I am trying to do unbearable. Take today for instance... Monday is my long day. I work from 8:30 am to 9:30 pm at two separate jobs. Having two part-time jobs sucks because you are still just a part-time employee of both places so no one thinks you do very much in either place. Nor do you have time to really do anything meaningful, at or outside work.

I am endeavoring to teach, but I'm running into this wall again of not getting my work done in a fashion that makes it meaningful and thus useful rather than rushed and parroted. I need to feel more comfortable being present in any given moment, but it seems that every time I sit down to do something that involves my full attention I instantly want something on in the background to entertain me. The very idea of teaching for an hour makes me think dreadful thoughts because I just don't want to concentrate on any one thing for that long.

I am so exhausted! I'm running around in circles spending all this energy for no reason. The least I could do for myself is make it a meaningful and enriching experience. OK. Intention for tomorrow: be more present, especially with unpleasant thoughts.