Still Here

Well, it's been a few days since I posted, but things have been pretty good. Yesterday was super productive. I started my morning routine just as Zack pulled out of the driveway, and I got everything done that I wanted to do before I was supposed to teach my class. I was feeling a little nervous about teaching, but I had a good practice after lunch that really helped me work through some teaching strategies on hip awareness. Come 4:15, however, Barbie called to let me know that the restaurant was too messy for yoga after the construction they were doing all day. So I ended up having the night off after all.

I can't lie, I was grateful to have the night off. No matter how much I can try to talk myself out of it, I am still nervous to teach. At the same time, I've spent a lot of time examining these feelings, and the fear that I feel around teaching seems more manageable because I have looked at it from all sides. I know that I feel apprehensive to teach because I want to be able to play out every classroom situation in my head before it happens, and I can't possibly predict every possible scenario. In the past, this fear would have eventually driven me away from teaching altogether. However, now that I am aware of my attempts to control situations in this way, I can ascribe the fear creeping up inside to this behavior pattern. Seeing around the cloud of fear, or even perhaps through it, is much more comforting than being surrounded by a fog. I can only hope that eventually the fog will lift. Sunshine, anyone?

Today was equally relaxing. Zack took the day off of work to fend off an impending illness, and so we got to spend the day together lollygagging. I still managed to get my morning routine partially done, and although I didn't get out to the grocery store, I did get dinner on the table thanks to my planning ahead weeks ago when the raviolis were on sale. The rest of the day was spent cross-stitching, working on my application (almost done!) and playing the Sims. Now the kitchen is clean, I have a kitty next to me, and I find myself willingly in front of the computer typing away. That is happening a lot more lately, even if not as much as I would like.

There has been a shift. A few months ago, all of the inner work I've done felt like it hadn't even scratched the surface. It might not have. However, I feel like a big block has been moved out of the way that helps me glimpse the light of possibility far more often than I used to be able to. I know it can't be totally ascribed to my change of space, as the last few months have served as a reminder that happiness is not guaranteed even in the best of circumstances. It really is that I am able to align myself with joy lately, and that is giving me the energy I need to get things done.

Brain flash: the energy I was missing is not ever going to be generated inside of me. I need to connect to the source.

That'll do.