Why

A big underlying reason for me to pursue spiritual exploration is to find out what makes me tick. Why do I spend days at a time staring at the wall wishing I were being productive when all I need to do is get up and be productive? It sounds so simple when I put it that way, but somehow it's not. I sit there and berate myself for being lazy, which I always have been, so I think it is impossible to turn my life around and get out of this rut.

Do I really think I've been in a rut all my life?

Yes.

I have always secretly felt that I was not working hard enough and that I didn't want anything. I'm not talking material desires, I'm talking ambition. I have always lacked ambition in favor of expending little physical and mental effort. Everything feels so out of my control at this point. WHY???????

I need to focus on being non-violent towards myself before I can even think about being non-violent towards other people. Otherwise I'm just going to feel guilty for lashing out at others and beat myself up for it. That is not exactly the definition of non-violence! I am going to make a small promise to myself right now, but it is not coming from a willful place. It is coming from a peaceful place that will not judge if I do not immediately keep this promise for ever and always. I just want to be mindful of this. I need to enjoy the small things. I need to increase my sensitivity. Maybe I shut down to avoid being hurt. Well, I can't be hurt unless I hurt myself, right? I want to open my heart.

Yes. That is it.

Every time I start feeling like I have for the past few days, I should remember to keep my heart open. If this means that I feel more immediately sad instead of trying to drown myself in some mindless activity, so be it. At least that is authentic.

Let's see if I can wipe the years of dust off the old ticker and see what she can do.