I like to be here when I can.

Day 2, update.

This morning did not begin with moosey kisses, nor yoga, nor the newness of the new year. We did have a fire, though.

This morning is a bit blank for me. I do remember that we had the TV on for awhile, but I actually got bored of pictures and switched to our Sirius jazz channel. But what did I do this morning? I remember being really hungry and whining at Zack to make breakfast. That has turned into quite the ritual over the last two weeks. I remember the fire. I remember looking at the clock and realizing it had gotten to be 11am all over again. I read some of Zen and the Art of Everything in there somewhere.

At around 11:30, we watched Kung Fu Panda. I do wish that the moral of the movie had not been hidden behind so many racist and/or fat jokes. But, all of the stereotypes aside, I did find a little bit of joy in seeing a children's movie (and Disney, nonetheless) that taught a lesson not found in Judeo-Christian morality. The dumpling scene was pretty cool, too. I kept meaning to do some "work" on my computer while the movie was on, but I never quite got around to it.

We ate the rest of our New Year's Eve dinner for lunch after the movie, then went for a walk after our food digested. The time outside with Zack today was as nice as yesterday, although like I said before the day felt less magical now that the reality of 2009 has sunk in. What is the reality of 2009? The only consistency I have regularly noticed so far is the similarity 2009 might have with 2008 if I don't work to change some of my habits. Walking two days in a row, journaling two days in a row, these are good indications that this year could be different (especially if my grandfather was right), but me and my vrttis are still present. I felt it this morning: the pull to be a little lazier than yesterday, the lack of motivation, the desire to get sucked into some mundane task on my computer. Then some fear sets in, which reveals itself to me now as a lack of faith. The faith in myself that I can possibly live with some wellness in my life was definitely wavering this morning. However, despite the "odds," I got out there and enjoyed a walk, even taking the time to remind myself periodically to savor the moment. And I did.

Once the walk was over, I did some more "hibernating" in front of my computer. I also did some chip scarfing: magical first chip scarfing of the year. It did feel a little different, since there was some softening to my usual fervor that consists of: stuff hand in bag, dip chips in salsa, cram results in pie hole. There was a trickle more mindfulness present in my actions, and I credit that for allowing me to put the chips and salsa away before I really gave myself a big tummy ache. Victoriously, I walked away with only a little one. I did not walk away without a big dose of self-judgement, although I was not directing this energy at my eating habits. The topic of my thoughts was really how stuck I felt in front of my computer. The TV wasn't on--just music--but I stubbornly languished in front of a task that, finally, I determined should not have been undertaken in the first place. Of course, instead of just realizing that and walking away, I sat there and had a little civil war in my head over how difficult it could possibly be to pry myself away and go do something useful. Like make muffins. Muffins are way more useful than a scaled-down lentil soup recipe.

In the end, I decided that useful muffins will get made tomorrow. I can usually placate my keen sense of shame by assuring myself that I will start all over tomorrow and do things right. My whole New Year's scheme is certainly tied into this tendency, but at least I am writing. And reading. And walking.

Anyway, once I finally got off of my tucas, I plopped back down on it to hang out with Zack at the gaming station/dinner table. Once I made my pit stop, the rest of my long journey from chair to kitchen seemed far less arduous. I managed to clean up the breakfast/lunch/yesterday's dishes mess, get the kitchen into some sort of reasonable looking state, and get some leftovers on the table for us to eat. The mini peppers I made yesterday reheated very well, as did the rice. Tasty all around, especially for leftovers. Since then, I read some more D&P (I only have to read 10 pages a day to finish the damn thing by the end of the month!), and now here I sit, dutifully typing.

Imma go pet the moose now.