Determination

I've spent the past few hours trying to fulfill my reading for the day by browsing through the "Yoga Journal" website. I was pleasantly surprised! I know from experience that I like the magazine, but I'm not a big magazine subscriber. I read some really great (albeit short) articles tonight that really got me thinking. One in particular, which was actually the answer to a question, led me to decide on my writing topic for tonight: determination.

I always lacked determination. Whether it was piano, horseback riding, or even school, I had the talent but I lacked the determination. My whole life, I've been determined to be determined, but I don't think I ever made it to the point of determination. When I started this journal, I was determined to succeed at something. After living my life thus far being sure that I "could" accomplish something, I wanted to set out and actually accomplish it. That still feels like my goal, but after reading the little blip on yogajournal.com, I think that I should rethink my focus. I am way too focused on "getting into the right position" or "practicing exactly the right way." What am I doing this for, anyway? Perfection? No. I am doing this to feel better and to live better in this body and in myself.

I need to relax, man!

I need to stop worrying about my potbelly, my short legs, and all my tension, because worrying is going to make all these things worse (or at least more of an obstacle to my practice). This is not like a sport or like anything else I have done before, but I want it to affect how I live my life from now on. I think I am just nervous about starting over with a clean slate because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or that I know what's right for myself.

I do.

I need to trust myself, challenge myself and have FAITH in mySELF to do this... which is definitely not something that I have ever done before. I am my own teacher for now. Perhaps at some point I will find a teacher that I really click with, but right now I want that to be me. I need to stop clenching my hara, but breathe into it. I need to stop trying to mold my body with my mind, but instead let them move in harmony. I can do what is right for myself without having to mold and bend to someone else's idea of what is right. Let me leave my guilt about not "trying hard enough" in the past. Right now all that is stopping me from doing what is right is my lack of self-confidence. I need to take it slow and make my own path.

I need to replace determination with faith.

I can.