Today was very topsy turvy. I had a fairly good day at Robin's, but there was something a little off with me throughout. Practice this morning was hard for me. I know it was supposed to be challenging, but I wasn't even getting the satisfaction throughout of being challenged. I think I was tired (and without protein), so I couldn't really connect to that inner fountain of good feelings that I can usually find during a yoga practice. I did realize during the meditation after our asana practice, however, that I am more controlled by pleasure than pain. I do an okay job at "making myself" do things that I experience a slight aversion to, but when it comes to denying myself things that I feel attached to I'm not so diligent.
That brings me to my anger that I'm bringing tapas to. I decided that I would break my fast at dinner tonight, so when I got home from yoga at 4:30 I was very focused on what my meal was going to be. My mind was craving Enchiladas Suiza from El Coparal. I knew deep down somewhere (nagging doubt/guilt feeling) that my body disagreed with that assessment, but I was so close to following my mind's whim that Zack and I were almost in the car before I changed my mind. I decided that a salad would be a much better choice, but making that choice caused feelings of anger and frustration to well up inside me that I just couldn't control. I snapped at Zack and my mother before angrily cutting my salad and sitting down to eat it. It was, in fact, exactly what my body needed. I even had a little potato salad afterwards, which was too much for me... imagine sitting down to two enchiladas and rice AND beans! Forget the chips and salsa!
I'm glad that I made the right decision, but I am honestly a little frustrated that I had to go through all that "drama" to get there. I shouldn't beat myself up though... I should look and see what I can do differently in the future. In the article "Overcoming Fear" by Phil Nuemberger, I read that "when our desires are frustrated, we often feel angry, but underneath the anger is the fear that we won't get what we think we need." That is obviously what was going on with me tonight. My mind was truly convinced that I needed enchiladas suizas or else my body wouldn't be satisified. When my better judgment took over and said "no, salad will be just fine," my mind got flat out angry because it was truly afraid of letting go of that attachment. Obviously this goes back to "raga," the attachment to things that my mind thinks my body needs for sustenance. In fact, my body needs a few basic things, but due to all the excess I surround myself with my mind is convinced otherwise.
That's where the anger came from tonight. It makes sense that I was having trouble last night deciding which particular seed my anger was coming from. I don't think that there is necessarily a particular place because it erupts in response to many different things. Instead, it seems that my mind is very defensive when it comes to comfort levels. I should be more mindful of what sets that off to truly see how I can erase that pesky samskara from my daily habits.
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